HALF MOON
CHAPTER - 4
Just after lunch around three in the afternoon when Surjit wanted to have her siesta in the comfort of a bed, Janab Singh insisted on starting the journey. He asked Surjit to take her brief nap in the car. It was a premier Padmini fitted with a little fan on the front console, but it was not very effective. Janab Singh had an air conditioner installed with the engine of the car, which made car a little noisy but provided some solace from the heat and dust.
It was early eighties. Maruti had been launched in the market and Janab Singh had decided to buy one with an in-built air conditioner as early as possible. As he thought about it, he wondered what his own father would have said to this. A fair tall man, taller than Janab Singh and by all means much tougher too, as long as he lived, never approved of Janab Singh's easy life and mild manners. They were always at loggerheads with each other over some trivial issue or the other. So much so that very often even the mild tempered Janab Singh would lose his temper.
Those were the moments when Surjit had to leap up to intervene because none of the two would relent. Surjit who other wise was known to possess a hyper temper in the family always played the peacemaker between warring father and son and that too quite successfully. She often talked about an incident when Janab Singh's father had taken his gun out and pointed at his own son. Everyone in the vicinity simply went limp with terror. It was Surjit who had come in the outer court yard after hearing from one of the servants that father was again reprimanding Janab Singh over something.
She came out briskly, saw the scene and stood in front of her husband. Balwant Singh ordered her to move away. His influence was such that any other woman of the family would have immediately relented, but not Surjit.
She simply said, “You have not brought me to this house to make me a widow again, Pitaji”
These words weighed down upon the heart of Balwant Singh. He put the gun down and walked away. Surjit was indeed a widow before she was married to Janab Singh. This was the main reason for reluctance on part of her father Sunder Singh, when Balwant Singh had asked for Surjit's hand for his son. Sunder Singh had married her off at a tender age of fifteen as was customary during that period. However, misfortune struck her. Her husband was murdered in a family feud and she was returned to her father's house. Sunder Singh realized his folly. A qualified man himself, a graduate from FC College, Lahore, he finally stood his ground. Instead of locking her very young widowed daughter behind the four walls of the house, he put her on the path of self reliance.
Balwant Singh, on the other hand, had a very different perspective of life. His life in Europe as a soldier had laid bare myriad hues. It had made him immune to fatigue, which was to some extent one of his most positive characteristic. Life in Germany and Austria had made him open his mind to broader horizons for him asking for widowed Surjit's hand for his bachelor son was not an issue but was more a social cause. He firmly believed that charity begins at home. He was Gandhian in many ways and greatly admired him.
“Papa ji, there are boys standing on the roadside with mushrooms, let's buy some.” This was Mehar.
Janab Singh came out of his reverie and asked the driver to stop the car next to any such boy. It was rainy season and Thar Desert was strewn with wild mushrooms. Young boys grazing their cattle in this wasteland would earn some extra money for their small pleasures. There were plenty of them. Within no time the car stopped in front of two boys with their hands full of freshly gathered velvety little white umbrellas. Janab Singh bought all the mushrooms from these boys and Mehar waved them a cheerful goodbye.
Mehar was now free from all recent worries of her life. She looked out of the window at the scenic display before her. The year had seen comparatively good rains in this region and sand was settled, bushes of weeds as well as watermelon and cucumber creepers were strewn all over this otherwise barren land. Earth seemed delighted with all this greenery spreading over it. Being blessed with fertility, it glowed with the warmth of love.
Mehar was taken in by this romance of the nature and was soon transported to her inner world, where nothing mattered anymore. She became oblivious of her parents sitting nearby, both of them overburdened with the worry for her future in different ways. Janab Singh was optimistic that ultimately Rajinder will see light of the day and understand the situation better but Surjit’s mind was troubled by what had happened and she was not able to break free from this thought pattern to think about anything else.
This region had been dependent on rains for centuries and people who abide and survive here are landowners of large holdings but meager means. Villages are very few and far apart. While traveling by road one does not get to see a single soul for miles and miles apart. The major crops of this region are jowar, bajara and gwara. Before the rains begin, farmers of this God’s forgotten land take their chance, play their gamble every year and sow the fields. Poor as they are, they do not own machinery and cattle too are not very robust because of scarcity of good fodder. They sow seeds with hope in their future and trust in Almighty that it would rain and each single seed would yield to give a thousand more for their hungry stomachs.
This year had been good. Punjab, Bihar, Madhya Pradesh, Uttar Pradesh, West Bengal and most of the states had seen heavy rains, floods, loss of lives,loss of property and loss of land. But these losses in major parts of the country invariably resulted in bringing back smile on these peoples' faces, who brave the desert day in and day out all their lives. They do not have the means or the inclination to know what is happening in other parts of their country but pouring skies bring laughter in their small mud houses. They brings food grains and with it health to their frail bodies and dreams in their eyes for a better future. One full year of worries is postponed; hunger is bundled up from inside their homes and thrown out of the door. This abundance could be felt in the air all around. Happiness in air was evident everywhere.
With rains came aakhaa teej, the season of weddings. Mehar could see more and more cattle carts full of brightly dressed women with covered faces riding merrily, going to or coming from wedding celebrations. Men traveled in separate carts with the children. Only infants or big girls accompanied women. Although she could not hear their voices as the windows of car were up, Mehar was certain
that these women were all singing in their low paced shrill voices, songs she had heard and picked up during her school days.
She knew many of these folk songs by heart, danced on almost all of them. She longed to be one of them, she longed to be in these women's company, she longed to be a woman, a woman loved by her paramour, wooed by him, pursued by him and once claimed, to be with him for the rest of her life.
But life she owned was not what she had asked for. As she was moving towards her parental home in company of her parents, in whose capabilities she had immense faith, she was soon to learn another lesson of life, a lesson that faith too has its own destiny. It keeps a person occupied somewhere and when he is fully immersed, feels blessed by its mere presence, it turns tables at such an unexpected moment that the person loses every mooring of life, just for nothing. Nothingness... complete silence is what remains and from the womb of this complete silence a new life, a new reason, a new awakening to the realities of existence emerges.
As they approached Ganga Nagar, the flora and fauna of region had changed rapidly. Bushes were thicker, the earth, greener and darker. Whatever little dryness could be seen earlier in desert region was replaced by lush green fields, tall trees lining both sides of the broad road. Sky was now healthily endowed with different varieties of birds. By now Mehar had seen more than a dozen peacocks in these fields, a few of them with wings spread out in full glory.
The gloom she had started with, from her home had completely lifted its veil from her heart.
Suddenly she saw a herd of wild cows leaping out of a rich field of cotton. The plants were still very young so were not harmed much. These animals, however, are a major concern of worry for farmers here. They often kill and give away animal to their servants to eat. Meat of these animals is not considered of much taste. There are other reasons too. Farmers need to kill them to keep their population under control because the harm they cause to crops is immense. Secondly Bishnois, the community known for its love for conservation of life of any form is thick here. They do not allow any animal or any tree to be killed or cut at any cost. They immediately take action, catch offenders and take him to the nearest police station. Often they take the law in their own hands.
Now as Mehar saw them she felt elated. She had been seeing these animals since her childhood whenever she visited her father's farm at the outskirts of Ganga Nagar. She always felt a little terrified by their huge size and swift manner they moved with. Her father did not like them much. He had to get his farm's boundary walls higher than usual to keep them at bay, but they would jump in and once in a while the whole herd would enter the farm and destroy crops, half of it by eating up and the remaining by trampling over them
This sight made her aware that they were closer to home now. Dusk had already settled in. The road would often be lined with herds of dust covered cattle returning home escorted by one or two young boys and guarded invariably by one locally bred healthy dog. Whenever any such party passed by, Mehar's excited heart would feel another pang of homesickness. She was more than surprised to have this feeling for their Ganga Nagar home. She had never lived in that house for a long period, as she was always on the move with her mother to various destinations in Rajasthan and her father would share his time between tending to his farm and giving company to his busy wife.
They stopped at a mid way dhaba for some tea and snacks and resumed their journey immediately as Janab Singh wanted to reach home before dinner time. Mehar was simply delighted to see the blinking lights of her town in distant horizon. Her face lit up. Her mother was happy to see that but she herself was in quite a bad mood. She was not ready to accept that they had moved away without settling the matter. She had retired only last year and the administrator in her was not ready to accept defeat, which, under present circumstances she felt was eminent.
She always had this notion that "out of mind is out of sight”.She felt that being away from Rajinder will not be in favor of Mehar. And when she would go back situation would be the same and ultimately Mehar would not be able to appear for the interview and all efforts would be futile. Janab Singh on the other hand, was confident of his move. He felt certain that in Mehar's absence Rajinder would understand the situation better and all this uncertainty and bitterness would diffuse for good.
Finally they reached home. When their car took its final turn, Mehar's heart jumped at the sight of house with such force that she was simply taken aback. She had not realized till this moment how
badly she wanted to to someone, how badly she wanted to call some place her home.
And here it was, the house she was born into, never lived much into but was so familiar to her as the back of her palm. She knew each and every corner of this house; she knew exactly what was kept where, because this was practically her holiday home. She had spent almost all of her school holidays here and as there was nothing much to do and not many friends around to play with, she would spend her days exploring the house in and out. She could tell exactly how many large tiles were there on the large roof of this house. Her evenings were spent playing stapoo on this very roof.
It was past dinner time. The three of them freshened up, had dinner and went to bed. Mehar was simply delighted to be here and was fast asleep the moment she put her head on the pillow. Morning came with a lot of activities and excitement for her. After breakfast she took a round of the house and checked everything. She found some of her things missing and discovered they were given away. Her exerciser was one of them. Then she could not find her skates, some of her clothes too were gone. Most of her footwear were not there. She went out in the garage and could not find her bicycle either.
So, this was it. Now she understood the meaning of being married and moving away from the parent’s home. Her mother had retired last year and all her belongings had been brought here along with other household stuff. Last time, when she visited, she had arranged everything herself. And now most of it was gone. She did not ask her mother but she understood. Surjit had finally adjusted to the fact that Mehar was now on her own, a married woman who was no longer a part of her household. Mehar felt sad and isolated but remained quiet about this.
The room she always had in this house seemed strange to her. It was bare now. Wardrobe was almost empty, Shoe rack vacant and the Bed too clean. Walls were devoid of posters. The bathroom too felt dry and clean like a hotel room's. She decided to make this room get the lived-in feel once again. She decided she is not going to go away till the day of that interview.
Just the thought of interview again brought back memories of Rajinder and she felt bitterness inside her. Thoughts of her newly wedded husband did in no way fill her with compassion or softness
And. this disturbed her. She tried to think of intimate moments they shared but could hardly cudgel up fond memories. Her mind wandered towards bitter outpourings of Rajinder and his short- tempered exchanges to which she invariably had been a silent bearer. She did not feel any softness in her bosom and at bedtime too when she lay down, she did not feel the need for an embrace of her man, quite unlike a newly married woman. She felt a sense of relief in the fact that she could go off to sleep while reading a book, unlike her marital home where she would have to put her book aside, no matter how much she wanted to continue reading it, turn off the light and fulfill her wifely bedtime duties with or without her consent.
As days passed, Mehar felt uneasiness deep inside her. There was complete silence from Rajinder's side. A week had passed and he had not bothered to make a single call to her. Sunday morning came with heavy showers. Surjit asked Ramdevi to make pakoras with evening tea. She made wonderful potato and onion pakoras. Mehar being very fond of any food cooked by her, simply gorged on pakoras and ketchup and sweet dark tea. By the time she went to bed she felt heavy in her stomach and so skipped dinner completely.
The day before, she took out one of the Mills and Boon from a book shelf in the living room and now lay down reading it. Suddenly she felt ill and got up with a start. She had hardly reached the bathroom when she vomited. It was with such force, she was completely shaken. By the time she returned to bed she was sweating and her head was spinning. She drank some water, lay down and waited for sleep to claim her, put her to rest and restore to good health.
When she got up in the morning, her head was still spinning. She found her body to be warmer than usual and soon discovered that she had fever. It proved out to be a seasonal viral attack. She got over that within three days with medication and rest. But the feeling of nausea stayed. Five days had passed. She could not eat anything in the morning and her stomach constantly swirled and swooned. On Friday as she came out of the bathroom she could not stand on her own. Undressed yet as she was, with just a bathrobe on her she called out loud for Surjit.
Surjit was furious. This time even Janab Singh was neither willing nor able to calm her down. The Doctor had asked Mehar
Some questions, done some tests and had sent the report. Mehar was pregnant.
Surjit was cursing Rajinder,“He is a doctor and he should know that this is too early for Mehar to have a child. She still has a lot of time for that. And what about her studies? Now I know he had done this deliberately.”
Janab Singh was sitting in his most comfortable arm chair, speechless, listless, and motionless. He did not know how to react. Should he feel delighted in the fact that his daughter was going to have a child? A new beginning in her life, a new addition to her identity, a new addition to the family and a new phase in her life. He could not decide on anything. He felt that since she was married to Rajinder it was their joint prerogative about when to start a family. But he also knew that Mehar was not ready for this at that point of time. He knew that when she would eventually get to know of her situation, she was sure to be devastated, rather than feel elated at this news.
It was late afternoon. Mehar was in her room taking a nap, when Surjit entered. She saw her sleeping blissfully on her bed. Her face was at peace, hair on her forehead, one arm over the temple and the other on her side. Surjit generally did not show much emotions but looking at her daughter right now she felt her heart melt in her bosom. She had come to break the news to Mehar and this task was tough. As she sat on the bed her heavy load made the mattress sink, this made Mehar move in her sleep. She moaned and a little later when Surjit was still adjusting herself on the bed she woke up and sat upright. Surjit’s coming to her room was an unusual event. She got worried immediately. She got out of the bed, went to the bathroom to ease herself and get fresh.
Surjit had always been a very straight forward person, generally she never minced words while expressing her views but today it was a different matter. She knew she had to be tactful. As Mehar came out of bathroom, she asked her to sit next to her. Mehar felt a tinge of suspicion. Surjit had never been an emotionally expressive person and towards Mehar too, her only daughter, she seldom expressed any special fondness. Mehar was quite used to her unobtrusive and stern attitude. Today's behavior made her more suspicious. She sat down quietly and waited anxiously for her words as Surjit sat
looking in front of her trying to figure out how to break this news to her.
At last she broke the silence, “Child, your report is here and it says you are pregnant. You are going to be a mother.”
Mehar listened in disbelief. She did not seem to register. She kept staring at her mother. Her face was blank. Surjit watched her for sometime but when she saw no change in her demeanor she became worried. She shook her by her shoulders, looked into her eyes. They were sitting facing each other on bed. Mehar was still not able to grasp her words when Surjit blurted out, “Did you have your periods this month? When were they due?”
Mehar felt strange. This was one subject this duo of a mother and daughter had never discussed earlier. When Mehar came of age, she came to know about state of puberty through books and classmates. The day her body gave a final signal of her not being a child anymore, her mother was on an official tour. She had no inkling, that what already had been happening to some of her classmates was going to happen to her too. The matter was not a taboo to talk about but there was a kind of hush-hush element always added to it.
Girls would join their heads and in whispers would discus names of the girls who were being visited by their “auntiji” at any particular day. Boys would look with anticipation and try to understand but were left disappointed as this was one subject no girl, not even the class's tomboys would oblige them.
Mehar got up in the morning to find her bed spoiled and a pain in her lower abdomen. Her first reaction was to rush to the bathroom to find what had hurt her. When she did not find any injury, realization came to her in a flash. She felt strangely betrayed by nature, her body began to revolt and pain began to rise. She came back to her room and began to cry on her pillow. Miss Chawla heard her cry, came in and when she saw the stained bed and clothes she understood and immediately took control of the situation. Everything was under control soon, including Mehar's uncontrollable sobs.
Miss Chawla was a Fine Art's teacher in school and a very good friend of Surjit's. Whenever Surjit had to go for a tour Mehar was left in her charge, either at her house, if Mehar had holidays or at Surjit's house where Surjit did not want to leave her alone with the
Servants. Miss Chawla did like this girl quite a lot and was more than willing to be with her when her own mother was not in town. They would spend the whole of evenings together talking while Miss Chawla would keep painting. She was a fairly good painter, held exhibitions locally and was planing to hold one in the national capital in near future.
This new development brought the two of them closer. Surjit as usual was busy with her work. She came to know about Mehar's coming of age and was content with the fact that Mehar had been taken care of by Miss Chawla, physically as well as emotionally. She did not feel the need to speak to her daughter about different aspects of this change, which generally left teenage girls in an emotional turmoil they found difficult to deal with. Her career was on an upward movement and she was extremely busy with the result that Mehar was almost left on her own to fight with demons constantly visiting her during her personal time, during her sleep. Her dreams were filled with streams of cascading water falling down cliffs.
Very often she would wake up sweating profusely and the only solace she could find was her Sunday visits to Miss Chawla's house. She loved the food cooked by her maid, potatoes always; different forms of this most common and most potent of all vegetables. Miss Chawla knew why Mehar loved to be with her more now and she was as ever willing to spend time with her. So much so that even Surjit would sometimes feel uncomfortable with their proximity and sometimes forbade Mehar to go to her house. This was another blow to their relationship which Mehar realized later and felt bitter about.
Now as Surjit asked her this question Mehar had to answer and she had to think. She tried to figure out and realization came to her in a flash. She was overdue by more than fifteen days by now. Her jaw dropped as this got into her and she remembered how she had been asking Rajinder to be wiser as she was not ready to start a family right now. He would listen, promise to take precaution next time and that next time never came. She kept flowing with the flow and now result was in her womb. She was surprised why this did not happen earlier, the way things were she would have been much ahead in a pregnancy by now.
She did not say anything. Surjit understood and got up. She left Mehar by herself to digest facts and deal with them on her own. She
also wanted to convey this news to Rajinder and tell him about her own views.
But when she expressed her desire to do this Janab Singh forbade her. He insisted that this was a matter they should stay out of. Let Mehar and Rajinder deal with it themselves. He had faith in his daughter's wisdom.
Surjit was angry, “He is a doctor himself. He should have used some contraceptive. Why has he done this to Mehar? She is only nineteen. Her body is not fully prepared for motherhood yet.”
“Look, dear one, this is what we should have thought of before marrying her off. Once married she has to fulfill her duties. This is what the custom is. She might not be old enough for you but for Rajinder she is his wife. And if they want to start a family now, we are not supposed to express our disagreement about this.” Janab Singh was as calm as ever.
Surjit did not agree with his words but did not speak further. She busied herself with the household which for her was finding dust in corners and scolding everyone around for not keeping things in order. She was somehow very feudal in her nature unlike Janab Singh and was always after her staff for something or the other.
Mehar stayed in her room the whole day. She asked for her dinner to be brought there. She ate, brushed, changed and lay down with the Mills and Boon she was half way through. She, however, could not focus on the book. Words kept escaping her. She read and reread the same passage time and again without understanding a single word. This frustrated her and she threw the book away not bothering to keep a bookmark in. Now she tried to think and only thought which came to her mind was that soon she will be burdened with the responsibilities of rearing a baby. Before that her belly would be full, she would bloat, then she would have to bear the labor pains and would give birth to another life.
This whole idea did not fit into the scheme of life she had envisaged for herself. She did want to have a family of her own but before that she felt the need to have her small dreams fulfilled. She was looking forward to getting admission to a post graduate course of her choice which she was certain about getting as her standing in merit list was good. She was at the third position. Her later plans too were chalked out well in advance. She had planned to do research in
Her chosen field and that was the time when she had thought she could go for a child. But though the thought of discussing this with Rajinder occurred to her many times but whenever she was about to do it, she found him either in a foul mood for one reason or the other; or simply in no mood to listen.
Now with this new development it was certain that her dreams will have to wait. She knew post graduation of her choice could not be accomplished with extra burden of pregnancy, child birth and post natal complexities. She was completely devastated. She could not think of a way out. For one moment she even thought of terminating pregnancy but this thought went as soon as it had come. She knew she could not stoop to this level and her parents too would not approve of any such act. This life sprouting in her had to be respected and she had to make herself ready to do that.
She felt like crying her heart out and that was exactly what she did. She locked her room from inside and cried till there were no more tears left in her eyes. This was one more realization she had that day. From that day on whenever she felt things were out of her bounds, she would provide herself this liberty of crying out to herself and helping things ease out inside her. But as life progressed, she would find even this to be difficult. There came times later in her life when she just could not order herself to do that. She would lock herself in her bedroom, when things would go beyond her and wait in anticipation for the sobs to come and claim her, for the tears to fill her eyes, but she would remain dry and barren for hours together. And this would harden her heart in her bosom. She would not feel anything at all there. No emotions-neither soft nor hard.
Some thing in her stirred. It was vague but she felt it. She felt a little moved by this. She stopped crying and tried to envisage her life after the birth of this child whose heart had already begun to beat inside her. Flash of an infant came to her and she felt better. She thought more about this and soon she realized that she would have to live this phase of her life with all honesty and her dreams of self- enhancement would have to wait now. With this sudden realization she got up, went to the bathroom, washed her face, got dressed and came out of her room.
She went straight to the hall where the telephone was kept and called at her home. Rajinder picked up the phone and demanded why she had not called him earlier. She had the same query on her
Mind. She ignored it and told him that she was returning home a day after. He seemed pleased to know that. Mehar did not say much and hung up. Rajinder did not seem to mind as he did not call back to talk more.
It was almost dinner time. She waited till three of them sat down to have their meals. She waited for some more time but when none of her parents said any thing, she spoke in a calm voice,“I want to go back to Bikaner the day after.”
Surjit's spoon fell in her plate. She was perplexed.
“But why child, why so sudden? Your interview is still a week ahead.”
Mehar was calm, “But mother, I am not going to appear for the interview. With this pregnancy and a child coming in, I cannot do that post graduation, at least not now.”
Janab Singh looked at her. Determination in her eyes was firm.
He felt proud for having such a brave daughter.
He smiled at her and said, “Good, I will myself go with you.”
Surjit did not know what to say to this. She still felt the need to do something about it but at the same time she also knew it her heart that whatever Mehar was saying was right. What she had decided to do was also correct. She remained silent and tried to concentrate on her food.
