HALF MOON
CHAPTER - 11
They were heading towards Bikaner. Mehar waited for more confrontation. It was brewing up in the air. It was building within her and she could feel it building in Rajinder as well. She could feel the heat coming towards her, she herself was getting cold deep within. Her depths were rapidly turning down temperature. She was feeling her hands getting colder with every passing moment. Her feet were already stone cold. She could not feel them anymore. Her shoulders needing warmth had begun to ache. She rubbed her hands with each other in order to sooth her nerves by trying to look outside the window. But there was nothing much that could capture her attention and divert her mind.
They had hired a car. Rajinder was hesitant to drive on highways. Mehar was ready to, but he would not allow her. He knew that she could but he felt odd for the reason that people might gossip about him being the man and not driving, instead making his wife do it. This reason irritated Mehar.
Once again first she remained quiet, later as a second thought struck her she tried to reason out with him as to why he should be bothered by what people think or gossip. Once again she was snubbed. Once again she ended up being irritated.
She was anticipating something which had not come so far. His silence was deafening and roaring both at the same time. She knew this was something to do with Iqbal. This was enough to send alarm bells for her. But there had been so much happening to her, sometimes of her own doing sometimes not. She was hardened by now. She now braced everything with less of turmoil deep inside her. Storms now would come and pass hardly touching her deeply. She consciously tried to remain untouched. Sometimes she would succeed. Today too she felt that whatever was coming will come and go. Some more bush will bend, some sand will rub against her being but she will remain rooted to her ground as she had managed to do so far.
They were sitting after dinner. Ranjit was sleepy so Mehar asked him to go and sleep. He promptly did. Soon the house was silent except the television's roar. Rajinder had lately been watching television quite a lot. She waited silently sitting and looking blankly at its screen. Finally when she could not bear her hardened and cold interior anymore she got up. She proceeded towards her bedroom but was stopped midway by Rajinder. He had gotten up from his place and was standing blocking her way. She stopped and faced him with her eyes straight into his. He blinked, she did not. She wanted this done and over with, once for all. She was not able to handle herself being suspended in between two shores anymore.
She went back to her place on sofa, sat down. She continued looking into his eyes. She tried to get whatever was there, all hatred, all his expectations she had let down, all rejections given by her, every defiance to his commands, all of it. She knew she was the biggest defeat of his life. She knew that he was never going to forgive her for this. She also knew that he badly wanted to punish her. She was ready for it. She had prepared herself for it. She was ready to face the consequences of her actions. She was on the path to self realization, she had been able to find her place in this maze of world, she had been able to address her own insecurities, she had risen above her weaknesses, she had tasted forbidden fruit and knew it was not meant for her, she had found her calling in her profession, she had tasted the sweetest taste of labor of life. She was above all heart aches. At least this was what she felt at that moment.
But life had much more for her than she had ever dream t. He sat silent for a while and then said, “When you went to Jaipur, why did you not stay at Iqbal's house? Why did you stay at a hotel?”
She could not read much in his voice. This to her was a strange piece of conversation, she did not know why he broached this topic while she at this moment wanted to sort her life with him and bring some order to it if possible at all.
She answered,“Well, that is not possible. You know I avoid him. Moreover when we shoot we all have to be together, the crew. Our time is very tight; we keep working with the clock. It is not possible for anyone to come out and do something else. I have told you earlier.”
“That means that you sleep with them too.” He was looking at her with piercing eyes.
She could not believe her ears, she looked at him. This time again into his eyes, he blinked again, tried to hold her gaze, failed, looked sideways then looked down. She knew what she heard was correct. But she had to make sure. This was an issue bigger than anything else she had ever had from him, including the assault she had at his hands on her wedding night.
She got up, stood in front of him all stretched out, her heart pounding loudly, her temples pulsating, her ears almost deaf with the sound of her own blood running through them with lightening speed, she was not able to contain herself within her frame. But she had to be within her body for she had to know how much more down he could fall. She also needed to know how much more she could bear being thrown into trenches dug for punishment to be meted out to her for keeping her head high.
She forced him to look at her with the sheer force of her gaze.
She asked, “What did you say? Repeat your words.”
He seemed to be searching for words and faltering; he looked at her, then turned away from her and finally blurted out,“You enjoy it so much with me. This gives me a feel that you must be doing it with others. You are young and beautiful. You must be doing it.”
Her immediate reaction was a strong urge to slap him, she refrained herself. She had heard it right this time. She knew what she heard was exactly what he had said. She felt herself fallen down with a thud into herself. She knew this was the end. She knew what she had dreaded all this while had finally arrived. She knew now that her time with him was over. She knew that whatever she had tried to do so far from day one, was a huge waste. She for the first time ever felt that she had done right if she had aborted her child and not given him birth.
She sat down where she was sitting earlier. She did not feel anything now. She kept sitting for a while, then put her head on the back of sofa, a little later she lay down there itself keeping her knees close to her bosom and was soon asleep.
She did not know for how long she slept in that state. She realized when she woke up with an aching back. She opened her eyes to see the television and lights still on. The very first sounds that filled her ears were of TV commercial jingles. Slowly supporting her back with one hand she sat on sofa, put her feet on the floor and
Again rested her head on its back. Gradually things began to come back to her. She could hear Rajinder's voice rising above television's blare. It was getting mixed. Either she was still not fully awake or her brain did not want to wake up fully, in order to provide her some more comfort from these very recent wound. It was fresh and bleeding.
She got up, switched off television and stood there not knowing what to do next. The room was lit with two lights on opposite walls. She felt her eyes smarting. She switched off both. Wandering aimlessly in the room she tried to fathom the depths of her being. She had been doing this for such a long time by now. She felt as if she had been wandering in these labyrinths from the day she was born. Wandering, searching and looking for some meaning to her existence. She wanted to know the reason for any human to be born. She could not find any reason for her existence so she questioned everyone else's.
She knew this was not correct. They were all happy people out there in the world. All content with their lives. No one had any trouble living their lives the way they wanted to live. Yet why was it that she could not find any reason to be happy. Was it that she was born with some defect in her? Or was it that she was ill-fated? She could not figure out. Or was it that she did not know how to be happy. Yes, she thought this must be the reason.
And then she made up her mind. She decided she would stop listening now. She decided that she would not speak on wards. She decided that she would not care what happened to her. She decided that she would not ask for anything. She decided that she would cease to live. She concluded that everything happens for the sake of survival. All this would cease to hurt if she resigned to her fate. With this resolution in her mind she sat down on a chair next to the window and looked outside. From this window the neem tree was not visible, only a few of its branches were. She felt a pang in her heart. She put her hand on it to soothe but as she touched, it began to hurt more. It began to beat in tandem with the waves of her breathing that were causing her hand to oscillate.
She kept sitting there for a long time, nursing her heart with her hand. They soon became one resonating with each wave. With every beat of her heart her hand would heave, with every heave of her hand her heart would beat. They put her at ease with herself.
She sat there for a long time being dripped; with every beat a ray of life, with every sigh a ray of hope. She left herself at the mercy of their resonance. She stopped short of herself. She remained seated inside herself. She continued to be Mehar that she was. She was beginning to rise to be Mehar that would be for years to come. She continued to be the woman she was. She continued to be the woman that had been formed during last few years. She continued to be woman she was going to be for coming years.
She saw herself being unfolded in front of her own eyes. She saw herself being stripped of all her clothing. She saw herself naked without a thread on her, standing in front of a mirror. She saw in her nudity that raw appeal which attracted others. She saw in her nudity the terror which scared Rajinder to the extent that he himself stripped her in full public view. She saw in her nudity, herself lying on the bed after her rape on her wedding night. She found in her nudity the moments she shared with Giriraj. She saw in her nudity the love she still had in a corner of her heart for him. She witnessed in her nudity her own insecurities about life. She saw in her nudity the jealousies of her pears that cornered her to be a loner. She also saw in her nudity the courage to face the world head on. She saw in her nudity the will to be the woman she was. She saw in her nudity the dignity of the woman she was. She saw in her nudity her existence being challenged and fulfilled all at once. She in her nudity witnessed herself being betrayed as well as betraying everyone around her by continuing to live the life she did not feel belonged to her.
She rose from within her burnt and tarred chambers, pulled out one shroud lying nearby which had been smothering her all these years, grounding her to unrealistic demands. She held it by its corners, spread it over her head and covered herself. She knew this had to be done by herself now. For the rituals and traditions had failed here. They had failed at her altar for the God she was provided to be worshiped did not have means to keep her dignity intact. She pulled the corners of this shroud tight against her temple and clapped it at her throat. She was covered now, from head to toe, she did not need a taller figure standing by her to do her bidding. She had discovered accomplishment within herself. She could now face the world all by herself and she could also look into the mirror with a sparkle in her eyes, for now she had that added charm which arose
from the fact that her body too now belonged to her only, as did her soul.
She got up and felt the need to be near her neem tree. She went out of the side door. She did not care not to avoid making much sound as she would have done earlier. Instead she left the door half way to let it close with a little bang. She knew no one except herself cared about sounds, about things to be handled with care, about things to last longer. She went out. Neem was welcoming as always. She went near it, touched its bark and felt its roughness for a long time. She felt closer to it. She felt like telling her tale to him in words, but she knew that he knew. So she silently spent time with him, all this while nursing her self more. It was a moonless night; she could see stars as the sky in desert is normally clear during late night hours. Finally she felt the need to be in her bed. Her body now needed some rest, some warmth. Her aching back had again begun to hurt her.
She went inside, again banging the door. As she was about to open her bedroom door she realized Rajinder would be inside. She stepped back, went to guest room and slept there till late next morning. When she came out she saw Rajinder watching some cartoons with Ranjit. This was surprising for her as he often scolded Ranjit for watching cartoons. She came to her bedroom, bolted from inside and began her morning schedule.
When she came out she found Rajinder gone. He was to return in a week's time back to his middle east posting, so was meeting people, shopping and generally keeping busy. Mehar avoided him as best as she could. She needed time to think about her next step. She was not able to think coherently about anything because of him being in the house or around. She postponed everything till the time he went back. She decided to think about her life once she was on her own.
It seemed he too had felt the damage his words had done. He refrained from coming into her path. Seldom spoke to her directly. She was surprised when the next night after she changed and went to sleep in guest room he did not question her. He looked at her and kept quite. She slept in other room till the day he had to leave. This time he did not ask her to accompany her to Delhi to see him off. She felt relieved. After what had happened at her brother's home last time she did not have the courage or will to go and stay at his house
With Rajinder anymore. She felt the need to be on her own would be fulfilled by his being away for another eleven months. She would be able to figure out about her future.
The day before he was to leave they were invited for a dinner at Dr. Mehta's residence. All his colleagues were invited too. Dinner went smoothly. Many of the guests complimented Mehar on her work and complained that they did not get to see her when Rajinder was not around. She assured them that she would be present wherever she was asked to. Last week had been among the most traumatic times of her life. This evening out and light moments shared with people whom she genuinely liked put her at ease. She felt relieved and smiled her way to home. This sent different kind of signals to Rajinder.
After they reached home, Mehar went straight to her bedroom. She changed into a night dress, finished her nightly schedule and was coming out of the room to sleep, when Rajinder held her by her arm. She was startled. She looked at him with questioning eyes. He was smiling. She asked him to leave her arm. He kept holding it still smiling. She stared back. Gradually he began to get the signals from her. He let her arm go but stood in her way.
“This drama of yours have been going on for too long now. Enough of it now. Come and sleep in here. We are husband and wife, dammit.” His voice was harsh.
“You remember this when you feel like and you forget this when it is convenient to you.” She had decided not to mince her words anymore.
“What do you mean? I do everything for you. I have even brought you all this jewelry this time. You cannot say this to me.”
Mehar knew there was no point in arguing with him on this. She did not want another confrontation with him now as she had come to know that it was never going to lead her anywhere. She knew now in the heart of her hearts that his presence did not figure in her future. She knew that if she had to survive it can only be away from him. But the thought of her son's emotional well-being made her rethink about this conclusion of hers again and again.
She tried to leave the room without answering but he would not allow her to. She kept standing where she was, so did he. She did not know how to handle this situation. She contemplated her situation
Again and discovered that she did not have many choices left. She had to take the bull by horns. She waited for a while for him to move away but he did not budge. In fact he did not move a single inch from where he was posted.
Finally she said,“Look, after what you have said to me that day, there is nothing left between us to be spoken about. You better leave me alone. I do not want to have anything to do with you.”
He did not move nor did he look moved,“It is not so easy to say and get done. You are legally married to me. You can not just say and finish everything.”
Mehar knew this was the time. She understood it had arrived. She said in a hollow voice, “That's fine with me. You do whatever you want to. I will not sleep with you anymore. Don't you dare touch me. I am not young and naive anymore. If you do dare impose yourself on me, I will not bear it like I did earlier.”
He still did not take her seriously, “Why are you saying all this.
Come, sit with me.”
She found this repulsive. She tried to walk past him but he did not let her. She tried to push him away and he threw her on the bed. She screamed. This was the first time in her marriage that she did what she had been wanting to do. Planting both her hands on his chest, she pushed him away with all her might, succeeded and rushed out. She was sweating heavily, her heart pounding loud, her whole body shivering when she lay down on guest room bed. She was awake for a long time. She kept thinking what she had to do now. She could not come to any conclusion. She was certain about one thing. She had to walk out of this situation and she had to walk out with her son. She was certain about these two things. Rest she did not know.
The following morning Mehar woke up late. Tarabai understood there was something happening in the house, she too was disturbed but she kept quiet, which was unusual for her. Moreover now as Ranjit was getting older, she would do all the talking she needed to do with him. Ranjit was at an age where he still had interest in life at home; he was forming friendships outside but still was pretty much involved in domestic life. He loved to talk with Tarabai.
Today as Mehar went about her morning schedule, she felt a little awkward as Rajinder was not at home. She was expecting some
Backlash after last night's episode. His absence from the scene was surprising for her. She asked Ranjit if he knew where his father was. He did not. Tarabai came forward with the information that he had gone out with a large suitcase. This was even more surprising for her. His train to Delhi was supposed to leave in the evening. Where had he gone so early with his baggage? She was bewildered. But she decided against making an effort to find out. She went about her day trying to imagine as if nothing had happened. But she knew something had happened and more was on the way. She soon found out.
Some grocery items had arrived and she opened her wardrobe's drawer to take out money. She felt that the cabinet above the drawer was not closed properly. This was strange for she was very particular about closing all doors. In this dusty desert town even a little opening can cause fine dust to enter and deposit on every surface that is accessible to it. This cabinet contained almost all of her important documents. She never felt the need to lock it. She opened it to find to her horror that barring a few check books, some passbooks and two passports everything was gone. She was puzzled. Who could have taken those papers? Money in the drawer though not much, was still intact.
Suddenly the realization occurred to her. It was Rajinder. This has to be him only. He had taken away all her papers, this included her degrees, her educational certificates, mutual fund certificates, share holding papers, gift deed of this house and many such other articles. She was devastated. At the same time she was perplexed. What did he intend to do with these. They were not going to serve him any purpose besides the fact that he could torture her by destroying them. She hoped against hope that some sense would prevail and he would return them. But she had little hope.
She remembered she had been depositing her money that her parents gave her in a joint account as suggested by him. One day she felt the need to withdraw some money. She went to bank, gave the check signed for self to teller. To her astonishment he told her that there was hardly anything in that account. According to her estimate there would have been heavy amount in it. She asked him to check again. He checked and told her that certain amounts were withdrawn from the account by Rajinder during previous month on two occasions. Now it did not have much in it.
She was visibly disturbed and felt insulted too. She asked Rajinder about this in the evening. He replied that his brothers needed money for they had bought land in village, so he gave it to them. She told him that this money was for her personal use. He snubbed her with the argument that he gave enough money in house to fulfill all household and personal needs. She did not speak further, but she opened a separate account.
But now, what? She was at a complete loss. These papers were not money that could have been replaced. Suddenly she realized her educational documents file was saved. In fact a few days back she had taken that file to get some papers photocopied and on her way back stopped at her friend's house for tea. While returning from there she forgot to pick up her file. Later she called, told her to keep it at some safe place. She would pick it up later whenever she found the time. She sighed with relief. Other papers she felt were not that much a problem, she will ask him to return and if he did not, she will ask the broker to get her duplicate papers. He had records of all the documents.
She felt some relief and went about the day trying to be as normal as she could be under these circumstances. She was constantly bogged down thinking about these strange ways of life. How many more times did she have to be punished by others for the crime to make attempt to live her own life? She wanted to ask someone-someone who could answer her. But she did not know who that someone could be. Her parents? They already were under stress by the way her life had taken turn. They felt guilty for being instrumental in shaping her life in this manner. They had expressed this many times to her, her father almost at the verge of asking for her forgiveness once.
Then who could answer her? She did not know. She knew only these two persons in her life whom she could trust. But they too could not answer her; she had come to know this by now. She now had learned the most important lesson of life that certain questions of life do not have any answers, so are better left unanswered. But this was something not possible for her now. She could not go on leading her life suspended in uncertainty for longer. At the same she was unable to find any door which she could open, step in or step out and breathe in fresh air. For she did not even know if she was in or out. She felt herself suspended in oblivion, unable to see where her life was leading her.
Rajinder returned during late afternoon hours, refused to have lunch and finished his packing which he had been doing for the last two days. Mehar waited for him to speak, he did not. She asked him where he had kept her papers, he did not answer. She asked him many times persistently, he continued with his silence. The time for him to leave for Railway station arrived. Tarabai had kept packed dinner for him on dining table. He picked that up along with his luggage, said goodbye to Ranjit and went out. He already had a three wheeler waiting outside the house. He sat in it and went away. Mehar kept sitting where she was. She felt abused, insulted, wasted.
She sat in that state for a long time. No thought came to her. She felt vacant. She did not feel like getting up or doing anything else for that matter. She felt her limbs numb. Her heart was beating at its normal but her soul was missing. She felt as if she did not belong to herself. She wanted to feel something inside her, something that might pinch her to make her feel alive. She did not want to die. She did not want to die so early at a time when there was so much in her life to look forward to. She did not want to die before her son was old enough to be on his own. She did not want to die for she knew her parents would be devastated if she did.
She tried to get up to feel herself alive. She was able to. She asked Tarabai to give her tea. She could hear her own voice that made her feel better. She called Ranjit and asked if he wanted to go out. He was happy to hear that. He wanted to go out for dinner. She agreed. She knew now she had to be two parents to him. She decided that sooner she learns this, better it will be. She called her friend Medha if she could join them, she agreed.
They went out for dinner. She felt lost all the time within herself, but somehow she was able to strike a conversation with Medha and keep it going. They had been friends from school time. Among those few she had from her childhood days. Medha was a professor in Chemistry at a university. They had been in the same class in school. They had gelled well during their school time as well. Later when Mehar did her M. Sc, after a long gap, emotional and moral support provided by Medha had been a guiding light for her. The two had always maintained this friendship, no matter where they were placed at any particular time or what the other was doing.
This time Mehar did not get that customary call from Rajinder to tell her that he had reached. Instead one of his friends visited her
To tell that he had reached safely. Rajinder had told him that he called home and no one picked it. Mehar thanked him. Meanwhile there was silence from her parents' side as well. They had not called her while Rajinder was at home. She understood. They too were sick of his constant nagging about Mehar and they had decided to stay out of it.
Once again Mehar was on her own in her house and she soon found her footing. Now as she went about her routine life all that came to her mind was how to find the moorings to her life which had been at cross roads until now. She had to find some stable means to utilize her time productively, not to let her wander in uncertainty, to be able to support herself in many ways. She needed financial stability too. So far the work she had been doing was paying her, but she needed more regular income of her own so that once she decided to be on her own, she would not have to let her parents support her financially.
She kept on thinking about this. Many options came to her mind. She contemplated about those and after many days of deliberations she decided that she would have to find a regular job in her chosen field, which was television journalism. For that she would have to shift to Delhi. For Delhi being the capital of the country was the Mecca of journalism. If she wanted to be in this profession, she would have to be at a place which could provide her the maximum and Delhi was that place. After she came to this conclusion she still did not divulge it to anyone. She wanted to be certain about her decision. She knew once she took that step, there would be no turning back. That would be final nail in the coffin of her marriage with Rajinder. She felt the need to give this thought some more time to get ripe and then take action.
Meanwhile Rajinder had again started calling her on weekends as earlier. Now she would avoid his calls by being out of the house through the day. Generally she would visit friend's houses or take Ranjit to shop or for lunch out. Then he began to call during evening hours. Once she took the call and was at the receiving end of many of his complaints about her never being at home and not taking care of their son properly. She listened in silence. Next week she went out for dinner taking Ranjit with her. Tarabai complained later that he scolded her for letting him talk to Mehar.
This hide and seek continued for a few weeks. Meanwhile Mehar did two more shoots for Pehchaan. These were stories from Bikaner and her native place SriGangaNagar. All were well received and she was getting more and more involved with her work. As more people came into her contact, more were the invitations she would receive to attend social functions. She shunned them as best as she could, but sometimes she felt obliged to visit certain places and she would go out of courtesy. One such program was held in Sri Ganga Nagar. This was a musical evening by one cultural organization. They invited her as a special guest and since one of the organizers was her father's friend she could not refuse. Local artists sang songs from films and light music.
At the end of the function after many speeches she too was invited on the stage to say a few words. She, who never was a great speaker at that, suddenly came into form as the memories of her debate days from school times came alive and did manage to have the audience eating right out of her palm. Janab Singh who had accompanied her to the venue was amazed. He felt proud of her. When she came down and sat beside him she was surprised to see his eyes brimming with tears of pride. She had never seen him being so emotional. She felt embarrassed but he took that in his stride, patted her hand and said in choked voice,“My child, I never knew you were so good.”
She felt her own throat choke but this was a public place and many eyes were on them. She smiled back to him. They waited for the function to be over. Soon it was and everyone got up to go. She was moving out when something very strange and more embarrassing happened. One young boy just out of teens stopped her midway and demanded her autograph. She was shocked. This was some thing she had never anticipated. She had known actors and politicians doling out autographs but for a journalist and that too who was only one year old in her profession this was too big an honor. She tried to reason out this with him but he would not listen. Finally exasperated she agreed.
There was more to come. He took out a fifty rupee note from his pocket and asked her to sign on that. She again tried to convince him in vain to take it on a paper. Finally she wrote her name and message for him on that note and with a visibly red face walked out. Once she reached home Surjit asked everything about the function. She told a little and then put the reigns in her father's hands. He took on from there. Though
a man of few words he had, after his whole life spent with Surjit, learned to answer all her queries with complete detail as she wanted.
Both were discussing this event when Mehar thought of telling them about her decision to shift to Delhi. But they were so happy and content with her success and her acceptance by the society, she did not have the heart to shatter this cocoon at least for the time being. She stayed quiet and returned to Bikaner the same day. All this while she had been thinking about how her decision was going to affect them. She could not come to any conclusion on that. She could not see far in future. One thing she felt certain about was that whatever be her decision she knew they would support her. This gave her ample strength to go on and provided her enough peace of mind to continue her journey.
It was another of those peaceful routine mornings when she heard some commotion at her door. Someone had rung the doorbell; Tarabai had gone to see who it was. Now it seemed that someone she knew quite well was there and that someone was in high spirits about something. Mehar could not make out anything while sitting inside so she too arrived at the scene to find the next door neighbor's house help Bheema talking excitedly about Ganesha drinking milk and he wanted to see Mehar about that. Mehar tried to make out what it was but she could not. So she asked him to be silent and then asked him to explain without getting hyper what it was and what was required of her.
After another of his excited banter she was able to make out that in a temple of their colony, idol of Ganesha was drinking milk in gallons and his mistress, the lady next door wanted Mehar to drive her to temple so that she too could offer some to Ganesha. Being the middle of a working day neither her husband nor her son was at home, so Mehar's services were requested for this holy cause. Mehar was still not able to make much out of this but she went inside, picked car keys, took out the car and waited in front of her neighbor's house waiting for her to come out.
Soon she came with a thali laden with offerings for Ganesha along with a lota full of milk. As she sat in the car she began to explain that Ganesha's idols all over India were drinking milk from devotees. Mehar kept quiet. Good sense prevailed. She decided to see the whole thing with her own eyes and then comment. She had some
Inkling of what might be happening but she knew her friend would not accept it. She kept that to herself. As they reached temple she was surprised to see the crowd outside it.
As the two women entered the temple they were jostled by the milling crowd. People were everywhere, all over the place, not an inch of temple floor was easily available for anyone to set his feet firmly. Mehar roamed around for a while, her companion lost already. The lady had gone straight to the idol to perform pooja with her offerings. There was a huge crowd around the idol waiting patiently for their turn to be able to feed milk to their lord. People were talking incessantly, excitedly in high pitched voices, some of them even shouting.
Most of them were repeating their words over and over again, that Ganesha idols not just in India but abroad too were drinking milk. According to them wherever holy and clean hearted Hindus lived, wherever Ganesha was worshiped with devotion, his idol was drinking milk. This was considered a good omen.
Mehar managed to find an elevated spot on the right side of the idol. She reached there with great difficulty. Passing through the crowds her feet were coated with soot by now.
She reached that risen platform and requested the boys to make a little room for her to stand beside them to watch. They were taken aback, hurriedly got down and scattered away.
She did not think much about their behavior. She knew women in general do not involve in such frivolous activities like watching a devotional act from a distance, they are the ones who perform these. So for these boys her request was a cultural shock. Moreover by now she had become a known face in the city, so generally people would give her whatever she demanded on a platter.
The devotees were waiting in a queue. They were arriving in hordes. Mehar knew people would automatically stand in queue inside and outside temples whenever there was rush and would wait patiently for their turn. The very same people who would not think twice before they would hastily elbow each other to get into public transport or would bribe an official to grease their path through the system instead of waiting for their turn, would seldom try to take the shorter route to please their God.
That reminded Mehar of how when she visited Gurudwaras she would come across many well dressed gentlemen serving at shoe counters. They would receive shoes from devotees with both hands, put them in pigeon holes, hand over the related token back and later would clean shoes thoroughly with a cloth. Some of them would even go the extent of polishing them with shoe polish which they would buy from their own pocket.
People were offering their prayers with the help of priest. They would come in front of the idol, bow their heads, shower it with flowers, apply kukum on its forehead and then with a spoon they would feed at the mouth of the elephant God, as Ganesha is known as – Son of Parvati born of her body waste (ubatan) thrown before her bath.
Standing atop that platform Mehar could see the people tired of their daily grinds, people generally disillusioned by the hard realities of life, people who needed to believe anything which could put back their faith in some divine power beyond their comprehensions, something super human, some paranormal existence that could relieve them of miseries of life.
This was an event she believed was being witnessed by millions of people at many places at a time. Her believing or not believing, her stating the fact or turning a blind eye to, did not seem to matter here. She decided to stay quiet.
Both women were silent. Mehar's friend held her thali in her hand but her enthusiasm was missing. She was not able to look at Mehar in the eye. This was more than enough for Mehar. They drove back home and that was the end of the chapter for the two of them as far as this episode was concerned.
For Mehar this was not to be. No sooner did she reach home she got many phone calls from people who wanted her to shoot it for Pehchaan. She called Delhi office to know more and was told that this was happening everywhere. She put her phone off the hook. She waited for evening so she could see on television news how far this could go. She wanted to know how far people could be taken for a ride.
She was rewarded with one more hilarious episode even before she could witness it. Ranjit told her after returning from school that he had to attend a friend's birthday party that evening. After he had had his lunch he took shower and got ready for the party. She
Dropped him at his friend's place in the same locality not far from her place. She was told that the children would be free in two hours time. She decided to spend these two hours with a friend who lived nearby.
As she rang her friend's doorbell, she heard many voices from within; excited full throated laughter was wafting in the air. She felt good. Madhu opened the door and took her in by holding her hand. They walked into her living room full of women. This was her kitty party day. Although Mehar was not much interested in such events but once in a while she loved such company. Today as she got the chance to, she was delighted to be the part of it.
Once inside she was introduced to all of them. A lively bunch of ladies dressed in their finery. All of them knew Mehar and she too knew many of them. The topic for today could be none other than Ganesha drinking milk form devotees' spoons. There were different notions about it, but most certainly all of them believed in the miracle. She listened and enjoyed herself.
Two sisters married into same family to two brothers came forward with their experience. Both were so excited and so full of the story they had lived that afternoon that no one else was willing to break the momentum they had built by narrating it. Reena the elder one was wearing a yellow and orange colored saree, she was a little heavy built and her hair were short. Her wrists were filled with matching glass bangles bordered with two thick gold bracelets.
The younger one was Manjari, she had long flowing hair, lighter framed, wearing a shalwar kameez in multicolored small print. Her dupatta was plain yellow. She was wearing smaller earrings, lesser bangles but she spoke with more enthusiasm than Reena. She was the one who start edit.
“You know, what happened? Our mother phoned from Jaipur to tell me that I must go to temple right away and offer my prayers to lord Ganesha. Today he has arrived on our earth and drinking milk from whoever feeds him. I immediately told didi and we put milk in a jug. Didi prepared thali for puma and we came out of the house.” with this she started laughing.
This was her habit, Mehar soon realized. After every piece of conversation she would laugh aloud, irrespective of the fact if it was worth it. Mehar wondered what would happen if she had to pass on some sad news for that matter. How would she be able to deliver it
Without her signature laughter or would she suffix it with the laughter without any thought! She sat wondering while the conversation went on.
Now Reena took over, “Hey, chhotee, you forgot to tell how Maanji reacted. Listen, she just would not believe us, she said we are making an excuse in the middle of the afternoon to go out and we are up to some mischief. And believe me, we did not even bother to clarify it to her. We just darted off the house. We would never have dared do that otherwise but today it was the matter of Ganesha God of coming on earth. Everything else could be settled later. Maanji kept on speaking and we walked out.”
It was the time for Manjari to take over, “See, you would not believe our luck, just outside the house was the auto that carries our neighbor's children to school every day. He had just brought back the children; they were getting off when we approached it. We sat inside and the auto wala started shouting that he still had two more kids to drop. And yes, they were sitting inside. We asked them to make room for us. They were very nice kids. They did. Then we told the auto wala to take us to our colony's temple. He was complaining but he could not throw us out. I told him that he too will be blessed if he takes us there. Since we were going for a good cause, religious cause. He understood when we told him that Ganesha lord is drinking milk today everywhere. We even told him that if he wants to come to temple to offer some himself, we will share some milk with him too. But poor man, he had to drop these children first. He said that he will offer milk later. First he will drop us to the temple then drop these children home. Later he would pick his wife from his home and together they will do that.
Every one in the room was engrossed. The story had turned very interesting. All were listening to the duo intently. When Manjari stopped for short breath there was pin drop silence. But it was not to be. Reena took over.
“We got off the moment he reached at temple. I did not even wait for him to stop the auto properly. I got off it while it was still moving. Although slowly. Then Manjari came out. And see, we did not have any money to give him.” This time both of them burst into laughter.
All the women gathered in the room too began to laugh. There was a big round of applause for the two sisters. They too joined in. it
Went on for a while. Manjari raised her hand and said, “Listen friends. Do you know what happened next?”
They all laughingly shouted. “No”
She said, “Then listen to me. We realized that none of us had carried the purse with us. So obviously we did not have the money to pay the auto wala. We told him and he said it's OK, he will collect the money next day when he comes to pick our neighbor's kids the next day.”
Many of the ladies in the room began to say appreciative words for the unknown auto wala, when Manjari again raised her hand and they all stopped talking. Everyone was looking at her. She began, “Now for us the problem was how to offer our prayers without any money to offer at the feet of Lord Ganesha. So I asked the auto wala to lend us some money. He promptly gave me ten rupees and drove off.”
This was a real amazing piece of information for the women gathered there. They all began to talk in praise about that unknown auto wala and the room was full of voices. All at high pitch, everyone trying to say something. Everyone in need to be heard. Every one wanting to be the part of the commotion.
Today's happenings too had many intones to it-religious as well as political. As the evening approached she turned on the television to see this particular piece of news on it. All the channels telecast this as one of their headlines. They showed people offering milk with spoon to the idol and there were bites of people talking with devotion about lord Ganesha. There were some inputs from some temples across the seas as well.
Most of them tried to see the scientific fact underlying this phenomena but this act was so subtle that whoever chose to ignore it could do that with ease and without guilt. It was the same approach which Mehar too applied in her reference to it. She played safe with people, with friends and chose to remain quiet.
She realized that we live in a democratic country and despite being privileged with the freedom of speech as our birthright, we choose to ignore rather than to speak and those who have hoarse voices, who have more push in their stands, those who have sticks in their hands tend to over shadow soft voices.
And we turn quieter with every such passing of an event that actually require critical thinking and reasoning. We turn a blind eye too often for our own good. And with the passage of time we become a weak society. She felt that this weakness of resolve is so steeped in our psyche that we seldom rise above our insecurities to withstand the pressure and end up living lives which we do not own or at least we do not wish to live day in and day out.
As of now she had the feeling that it was creeping in her own home. She was feeling its tentacles spreading. She could sense it. She did not want to be there in that city waiting for Rajinder to return and tell him what she wanted to do with her life, then wait for his onslaught of reaction, wait for him to oppose, erect obstacles in her path, and she would spend her energy in overcoming those to live her life. She thought about it for long periods of time intermittently. She thought and contemplated. She came to the conclusion that she was waiting for nothing. She knew what his reaction would be. So there was no point in waiting for his physical presence to assault her. If she felt the need to be assaulted he could do that with his voice on phone itself or with his words in his letters equally proficiently. She decided to go on with her life. Ranjit was having his summer break and soon he would join school in a new class. This was the time best suited for him for a change of school.
She called up her parents and asked them to come over as she needed to talk to them about her life. They had some idea about what all was happening with her. Rajinder, when he had come during his break for a month had said enough to them and they were expecting a backlash from Mehar. It was long overdue. They discussed it with each other and decided to ask her to come to their place instead. For they knew if she needed some assistance they would be able to make suitable provisions there.
She left with Ranjit the following day. That very day as they settled down after dinner, Ranjit glued to television and three of them in Mehar's parent's bedroom, she told them in plain words that she had decided to move to Delhi to pursue her carrier further, as she did not see any future with Rajinder. They were not surprised but they felt that she was being hasty in her decision. They felt that perhaps they could reason it out with Rajinder and he would see the light of the day. He may perhaps understand her need to be herself. Her mother although did not have much hope but Janab Singh thought that he could try to make Rajinder understand certain facts
Of married life. He wanted Mehar to consider her family life to be her first priority.
She tried to explain that her family life had always been her top most priority but Rajinder's terms and conditions were turning harsher with each passing day and she was not able to keep pace with that. She was about to burst out the last episode she had with him but restrained herself. There was still some dignity maintained between her parents and herself and she did not want to bare herself completely in front of them. She knew that her father, once he got an inclination either explode or would be crestfallen. She did not want any of that to happen.
She expressed her desire to be freed to go to Delhi, try and find her moorings there and meanwhile they take care of Ranjit by admitting him to a school in their town till she is comfortable enough to shift him with her. That might take one or two years, she had envisaged. There were two very good schools in Ganga Nagar and she knew Ranjit would not mind attending either of them. She did not like the idea of changing his schools so often but under the circumstances this was the best she could do for him. She even thought of sending him to a boarding school but decided against it. She wanted him to be with her once she settled down.
Both of them had been talking about this eventuality for quite some time now so they agreed. But still Janab Singh expressed his view that she should think about living with Rajinder one more time. He knew that Rajinder was not going to let her go off so easily. She too knew that but was ready to face whatever came her way after spelling out this decision before him. None knew what that strong reaction would be. They had no idea that a person whom, though none of them had judged completely could stoop so low, beyond their wildest imagination that all civilized thoughts would be put to shame.
Ranjit was having his summer break. Mehar felt the need to visit Delhi to explore possibilities for herself. She left Ranjit in his grandparents care and boarded the train to Delhi. Hukum Singh was still posted in Delhi. She went and stayed with his family. The day she arrived she spoke to Mr. Suri about her decision. He suggested that he join Great India Television that was popularly known as GITV and was called Mecca of television journalism. She did not know anyone there. He suggested that he would speak to the owners and
She could go, show her work and talk to the human resource person. She did that and was told that she would be contacted soon.
This was the time television professionals were short in availability so she kept her hopes high. Moreover GIT had just bagged a prestigious assignment of a daily morning show of one hour duration, five days a week. They needed professionals for that. Once again with hope in her heart and gratitude for everyone who had helped her without knowing how deeply and badly she needed it, she left Delhi. This time she went straight to Bikaner. She began to pack. Tarabai wanted to accompany her but she knew she was not cut out for life in Delhi. She made other arrangements for her.
She packed her and Ranjit's personal belongings, vacated two rooms and locked others. One of their family friend's son had recently been posted in Bikaner and was looking for an apartment to hire. Her friend had called her too. She grabbed this opportunity and asked him to move in her house. This freed her of all worries. Soon she was ready to hit the road to self realization. In between she got a call from GIT and one of the directors of the company Mrs. Mehdiratta herself spoke to her, telling her about the kind of work that would be expected of her. It suited her. She was asked to do the report of the day. That was one report per day. She felt that would be fine with her and she readily agreed. She wanted to know when she could join them and the gracious lady said, “From Monday.” It was a Friday. She told her that it may not be feasible for her to. She said,“In that case, as early as you can.”
