HALF MOON
CHAPTER - 7
Life has its own way of unfolding and then taking you by surprise, sometimes pleasant and sometimes throwing in your way some not- that-easy to digest lessons to learn. Both Mehar and Rajinder were contented with their own individual lives, though walking parallel to each other, as their paths did not meet often. Mehar had created her own circle of friends and acquaintances where Rajinder was not know nor seen much. Rajinder continued with his own ways, his life as he had designed before he was married and this had little space for her besides their bedroom activities or active participation in Ranjit's growing up years. Both of them became so engrossed in their own separate worlds that they did not feel the need to build a common platform where they could share their inner world with each other.
Mehar was friendly with many families by now with whom she would spend time when she was not required at home. And this happened many times during the weekdays, as she did not have a regular office job to attend to. She would have six days work in a month at the radio station and besides, she had her writing assignments and some classes she took at different institutions. One of the families she became very friendly was Col. Arora's. It was a very lively family of two sons and a daughter, all three in various stages of teenage. They became fond of Mehar and she often visited their house on Sundays, the days Rajinder invariably would either be on a visit to his native village or busy with his patients.
It was one of those Sunday afternoons in summer. Ranjit was asleep and Mehar did not know what do with the long lazy hours. She knew the Col's house at this hour would be abuzz with life and laughter, she missed being there and decided to visit his house like many other Sundays. She asked Tarabai to take care of Ranjit if he woke up in her absence and went out.
She entered their living room without ringing the door bell as usual. She had been told by Mrs. Arora to follow this practice when she had become a regular visitor to their house. Mrs. Arora was used
To having many visitors during the course of the day, her highly socially active husband's friends and their three teenage children's friends. She could not cope with so much of social onslaught. So she laughingly told Mehar that their batman at the main gate knows whom not to allow in the premises. Anyone who passes that barrier is welcome to her bedroom and kitchen as well, where she often was found getting food cooked for the whole battalion, this is what she called her family or taking rest in between.
Today as she entered the living room, Mehar knew the family had not had lunch yet and Mrs. Arora would be busy in kitchen. She did not even bother to send a glance towards the sitting arrangement of the room and was about to go straight to the kitchen, when she sensed someone sitting there and stopped midway. She had been to this house many times earlier and knew almost all the friends and visitors to this sanctuary. She was surprised to see a new face but as she did not see any family member there, she simply threw a half smile and a hello towards the stranger and walked inside.
Mrs. Arora as usual was busy in the kitchen with her cook. She was pleased to see Mehar and hugged her with her hands sodden with gram flour. Mehar smelt milk and onions in her dress as usual. She liked that smell on her. She always felt like a real mother to her. A mother who cooked, took care of the house, stood by her children's bedside in the mornings to wake them up, a mother who fussed around the house when any of them fell ill. Her own experience of a mother was different and she found this to be very glamorous. Though she herself could not do this kind of indulgent mothering to her son. She, later in her life realized that a mother has to be a loved and loving wife too before she can become an indulgent mother. If any part of the personality remains unfulfilled, it reflects that half hearted effect in all respects of life.
As the two women were engrossed in talking about mundane things of routine family life, Mrs. Arora tending to her cooking in- between and Mehar waiting to taste the simple home cooked meal, she sensed the presence of someone not far from her. Her back was towards the door of the kitchen and with all the noisy activity of kitchen mingled with their chatter none of them heard his walking inside. Mehar was startled to hear him, turned around to face him and looked straight into his eyes.
He was of medium built, long but well framed square face, small deep set eyes, wheatish complexion, curly hair and face lit with an intrinsic smile, spread all the way up to his eyes that peeped straight back into Mehar's eyes. She felt a little uneasy, wavered her gaze and waited till she was introduced to him by Mrs. Arora. He had asked about whereabouts of other members of the family. She told him that they all had gone to canteen to get the groceries and other weekly shopping and are about to return. She continued with her task at hand when she suddenly realized that the silence was heavy. She realized her folly and introduced Mehar to Giriraj Sharma. He was an editor at the local office of Rajasthan Times. They exchanged greetings and sat down to converse and hit off instantly as Mehar found him to be a highly optimistic and a lively person. Giriraj on the other hand was mesmerized by her plain simple beauty, devoid of any pretensions of the knowledge of her killing looks. This was his impression of her which he later shared with her.
Soon the whole family arrived and the house became alive with their banter, laughter and foot steps. Giriraj was friendly to the elder son Ronak and was a regular visitor to their house since the day he had taken up his job in Bikaner. He lived alone and ate at a restaurant so looked forward to every visit to this household and every meal he was offered by Mrs. Arora, so his Sundays were packed with a visit to their house. Mehar too visited their house very often but she did not follow any pattern. She would go whenever she felt the need to or whenever she felt lonely and wanted to spend time in a homely atmosphere.
As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, Mehar's visit to Arora household began to take a shape. She now began to wait for Sundays and each Sunday whether or not Rajinder was home, she would visit the Arora household. She would be delighted to find Giriraj there. Although she had not awakened to this fact then. Somehow the teenage Arora children began to smell something brewing up between Mehar and Giriraj. Since Mehar kept a serious exterior and was more friendly with their parents and not so pally with children, they maintained some distance from her. However, Giriraj was game with the children and parents at equal levels. Ronak began to tease him about his interest in Mehar and Giriraj liked it. He too would look forward to Mehar's Sunday visits to their house.
There came a time when Mehar during her conversations with Giriraj come to know of his schedule of the next week. If he was supposed to be away for the next Sunday for his monthly tour of surrounding villages for his articles she too would remain absent from Arora household for that Sunday. She might feel lonely or missed being with Aroras but somehow could not get up to visit them as she did earlier, for in the heart of her hearts she knew that she was going to miss Giriraj's there.
After a couple of such absent Sundays Giriraj came to her house with Ronak. Mehar felt elated to see him. They exchanged pleasantries and were soon engrossed in conversations while Ronak got busy with Ranjit. Gradually Giriraj became a regular visitor to her house and became friendly with Rajinder too but Rajinder did not think much of him. He seldom paid much attention to Mehar's friends in any case. So whenever Giriraj visited, if he was at home, Rajinder stayed for a few minutes in the living room and soon retired to his own world of his patients or went for his evening hospital rounds which generally extended to late evening hours. Gradually the two were being drawn to each other. Mehar's visits to Arora household became rarer and Giriraj's to her house more frequent.
It was a Monday. Rajinder had gone to the hospital and Ranjit to school when Giriraj came over to see her. The two were in the living room talking about Giriraj's latest article about his recent visit to a far flung village. There was one humorous event in it that Mehar had liked. She congratulated him about that, the two were sharing a light moment with full throated laughter dancing in the air vibrating between them, when suddenly Giriraj stopped laughing. He looked longingly at Mehar who was still dealing with the after effects of such a loud laughter which seldom occurred to her. Her eyes were brimming with tears of joy, which she wanted to hide from Giriraj. She just allowed those tears to be, and they dried up there, in the bowl of her eyes.
She heard him ask, “Can I kiss you?”
She looked at him through that opaque glass of tears shielding her eyes and found his ever smiling face to be very close to her. She felt him closer than ever before. Suddenly she realized presence of an undercurrent flowing between the two and felt like giving in immediately. But the words which came out of her mouth were puzzling to her own ears.
She said, “Not now.”
Air of the room suddenly turned thick and heavy with anticipation. It began to oscillate between two shores of being and not being, happening or not happening. Their hearts began to pound so loud that neither Giriraj nor Mehar could listen to the mid morning sounds of chirping birds outside the window, distant hum of traffic on the road outside her house, water tap running in the kitchen or the hum of the ceiling fan right above their heads. Mehar could not look at him for some unknown fear tossing and turning sides inside her. Giriraj on the other hand was lost in this wilderness of hope against hope. They sat silently for some time and then Giriraj realized it was her house and he would have to get up and leave.
He knew they could not talk further after this hurdle that had suddenly crept up like a wall between the two of them. He knew this had to be climbed up or broken down to let their interaction keep moving. And for that he would have to wait, for the words spoken by Mehar did not mention any direction, those two words did not indicate a clear intention. He understood she would have to fight her own demons to come to term with this wall and then only she would be able to decide on what to do with this, to climb or to shake it off its foundations. He anticipated within himself and decided to give it a push some other time and got up. Mehar too got up to see him off. Both moved towards the door of the living room.
As he was about to cross the threshold of the room, just a step away from the curtain, hand raised to move it aside when he felt her hand on his shoulder. He froze. Seconds passed like ages and he turned to face her, she was so close he felt her breath on his face.
She whispered almost inaudibly, “You can.”
He could not react immediately. He looked at her, into her eyes and was perplexed. He never expected this. Some more time passed. They remained suspended in the still air which needed to be stirred by their next step. Gradually he broke free from his shocked state and took the reins of the moment in his hands. He let go off edge of the curtain from his hand, raised both his arms, held the nape of her neck with hands cupped around them and saw her turned while closing her eyes. She felt her heart stop beating and she gasped for air.
This was the moment their union had been waiting for so long. Their lips met tentatively, felt each other, felt the tenderness of life,
Fragile like their breathing, smelt blood running through each others' veins, raw demand of their mutual attraction mingled with the tide which Mehar felt rising in her body. They were engrossed into each other when she shivered and broke free. They parted silently with an unspoken promise to see each other again soon.
Giriraj walked out of the house as if in a dream, he felt light, very light, as if walking on air. He felt like raising his arms in air and shouting at the top of his voice. But he behaved like a gentleman. He went straight to his office and to his surprise he found Ronak waiting for him. It was colonel Arora's birthday next month and he wanted to arrange a surprise party for him with Giriraj's help. Both began to plan for it with Giriraj tending to his work in between.
Giriraj was happy about the way the events had taken turn in his life. He had just come to this town, was lonely and needed company. Like any other human being he was in search of love and emotional bonding which he found in Mehar. He had this gut feeling that she too was attracted towards him and this made him pop that question that day and her reciprocation had come as a pleasant surprise to him.
Mehar went straight to her bedroom and locked herself in. She felt her head spin. She found herself unable to think coherently after what had happened. She could feel his warm breath in her nostrils, her lips wore his touch, her neck still felt hot as she lay down on her bed. She tried to recall Rajinder's lovemaking to get rid of this sensuous experience with Giriraj but failed. Suddenly she came to realize with a jolt that Rajinder had never kissed her on her lips. Her half stirred emotions left burning half halfheartedly on her hearth of desires had been set so deep in her being, that she was not able to retrieve herself from this dungeon before.
Today too it seemed to her a mirage on the road to life where she had been walking all this while bearing scorching sunlight on her hidden bosom. The heat rising within had been bearable and she had learned to live with it, since she had not known that there could be some valve in this life itself where she could give vent to her pent up emotions and lighten her heart. Today six words uttered between Giriraj and her had done something strange to her existence. She had woken up to a world which she did not know existed in her domain.
She felt shivers rise up her spine as she thought of those few seconds of their being close to each other. She did not remember anything else. She forgot she was mother to Ranjit, she forgot she carried him in her womb for nine months, bore labor pains to give him birth, she forgot she had spent sleepless nights to raise him this big, she forgot that she had been married to Rajinder, she forgot that her name was attached to him and the rules of her society did not allow her to indulge in what the woman inside her today did. She simply remembered that she was a woman.
How long she stayed in this state she did not know. The day slipped by her and she floated in it as if she were living a dream. She was not where she wanted to and the place where she wanted to be was nowhere.
That night while she lay down besides Rajinder she went off to sleep within minutes of laying her head on the pillow. She did not read as she was accustomed to and to wait for the sleep to come to her. She slept blissfully through the night and was relieved as Rajinder did not need her.
Morning came with usual flavors of the household. Oblivious to her inner turmoil Rajinder told her that he would be off for a conference to Udaipur and if she wanted she could accompany him. She earlier had been with him to one such seminar and was thoroughly bored as he would be busy the whole day and evenings were spent in formal dinners trying to communicate with his colleagues with whom she had very little to talk about. She had decided then never ever if possible to repeat this experience in future. She refused and Rajinder seemed relieved to hear this. Matter was closed.
As she sat down for her breakfast with Rajinder after sending off Ranjit to school, the thought of Giriraj came to her. She wondered what he would be doing at this hour of the day. He had told him earlier that his job as the editor continued till the wee hours of the day and he went to bed around five in the morning. Obviously his mornings normally began around forenoon. She imagined him sleeping in his bed and the thought of his warm chest, collared shirt, beating heart, hands on her neck and searching lips came back to her. She was startled and got up, leaving her breakfast half eaten. Rajinder was busy with his own breakfast of oats and milk and newspaper. He did not notice her go.
She went into the kitchen and saw Tarabai having her breakfast, she realized there was nothing in the kitchen to do at this hour, she came out and wondered what to do, as she badly wanted something to be on her hands to keep her mind from wavering, to keep her thoughts in check. She wanted to analyze her feelings before taking the plunge. She wanted to know was it just the reciprocation of Giriraj's request or she herself had been waiting for this to happen? For this to understand she needed to be with herself. But at the same time she had realized that her inner voice was speaking against her common sense and this made her scared of her own emotions. She wanted to peep inside her but she kept her eyes half closed as what she saw was enough to shake her foundations.
Days passed. She tried to forget, to erase those memories but failed miserably. The more she tried to do so, the more she began to miss Giriraj. She remembered now that for the last few weeks they had been seeing each other on a very regular basis, not realizing it before. She spent the day trying not to think about him and ended in missing him badly. She even went for grocery shopping that day to take her mind off this feeling but there too she did not fee involved. She bought things which were not required and forgot to buy tea leaves which Tarabai had said were almost over. Tarabai was cross but Mehar just did not bother. Evening came and went, night too arrived. After her regular chores were over, she came to her bedroom and as her routine was she picked up the book she had been reading lately but could not concentrate. She put that aside. This feeling was gnawing at her. She did not know if she was missing him or was guilty of herself. She wanted to know. She wanted to know for sure. She wanted to know how she would feel when she met Giriraj again. she wanted to know how they would react when they met again. She decided to see him the next day and felt relieved. This decision put her disturbed mind to rest.
Shortly she fell asleep. It was not more than an hour later that she awoke to find Rajinder in her blanket, his hands on her buttocks breathing heavily against her breast. She felt like pushing him away but she refrained like many other times before and let him be.
Lately she had again lost interest in sex and Rajinder as usual was either not bothered or did not care to find out the reason. This wavering of her interest was a usual feature and he never thought much of it. He was content as long as he was served. He felt his duty and desire fulfilled and was soon asleep. Mehar woken up fully by
now lay awake staring at the ceiling filled with shadows being formed by the lone neem tree outside their window. She again began to think about Giriraj. However she tried she could not stop her mind bringing forth his memories and shuffling them one by one. Their first meeting in Mrs. Arora's kitchen, their talking about mundane little things, his talks about his problems of living all by himself, his village trips where he would have many adventures and laughed about those. All came to her again and again and she began to cherish those memories.
She fell asleep and awoke to another day, a day she was going to remember for the rest of her life, a day which was to reshape her life, a day which would make her accountable to her own life, a day that will put her on a path to self discovery, a day that made her learn another lesson of life, a day that whispered in her ears that life was not to be regretted, a day that also told her to be brave and face the onslaughts of inner emotions, address them and face the consequences as these were the earnings of a lifetime, a treasure she had begun to collect from the moment she listened to her heart. This treasure had all the beautifully glittering gems of life she could ever think of. Smiles, laughter, longing, passion, tears, heartbreak, nothing was spared to her.
After both Ranjit and Rajinder had gone to school and hospital respectively, she just had a shower and was sitting by the living room window with a cup of tea in her hand when she heard the doorbell. Her heart jumped. She did not know but she knew it was Giriraj. And it was him indeed. They looked at each other for a few seconds. She felt that Giriraj too was uncomfortable with the whole situation and wanted to clear his mind about where he stood in this scheme of life. Her resolve to understand her emotions better evaporated the moment she looked into his eyes.
His brownish black pupils melted her heart. She felt a deep painful wave rising from her bosom and she walked towards him. Before any of the two could say a word, she embraced him. Giriraj felt her softness against him and his whole being was risen up to the moment. He enclosed her tightly to his chest. They remained in this state for a long time. Mehar felt that this was the last time she was going to be loved and did not want this to be over. Their hearts pounding loudly in unison was the only sound they could hear.
Finally Mehar felt her heart beats returning to normal, she let go of him and felt his arms loosen around her. They walked towards the
Sofa and sat down, still holding onto each other. Some time passed before Giriraj spoke.
“I thought of coming yesterday but then I was not sure if you would be home or not.” he knew she had radio station bookings on Tuesdays, but this Tuesday she did not have one.
“I was at home.” She did not have more to say.
“Did you not think of asking me to come?”he wanted to know. “If you wanted you could have come.” was all she could say.
He waited for a few more seconds for her to say something. He tried to form a few more words, he tried to talk about anything, and she too tried to bring forth a subject they could talk about. However, both failed.
Exasperated he pulled her closer and she almost fell in his lap. Their eyes met for a brief second and their lips met as if on cue. They touched tenderly and soon Mehar lost all sense of the place or time she was in. She was completely immersed in him. He was rough, trying to reach deep into her unknown recesses, where he could dig out some of her and carry with him as he had to go back to his own space. She wanted to keep him with her till they met again.
He stayed that day for about an hour and they did not talk much. It seemed they had not been left with anything to talk about. They felt each other with tender hands, softened heart, soulful eyes. However, she came to know that he always wore black shoes. She came to know that his landlady was a gentle lady who often took care of his small daily needs. She came to know that he was working for newspaper but in fact he wanted to be in the entertainment industry. She came to know that he had studied to be an engineer. She came to know about his dreams which he never talked about before.
He went back that day with the knowledge that she took classes on some Thursdays and she did not like to visit crowded places. They did not make any commitment about when to meet next week. They embraced one last time and those were their parting words.
She was at peace with herself. There was no confusion in her mind about this new development in her life. She realized that her inner void needed this love which included physical proximity of Giriraj and she felt comfortable with it. Her earlier uneasiness was
gone, that feeling of guilt, which was there a day before, was erased with today's experience.
She knew what she shared with Giriraj was always hers only, it was waiting inside her to be taken out and claimed. Now it was claimed by Giriraj's presence. She felt elated, lighter and when Ranjit came home he was surprised to see his mother so happy, he had never seen before. The little boy even asked her if she was off to a birthday party in his absence. She laughed out loud and reassured him that without him she could never do that.
Mehar accepted her affiliation with Giriraj as a fact of life, an extension of her being. She knew their physical and emotional intimacy was not considered right in their society, she was tied to Rajinder for all this and she should look for emotional stability as well as sensuous pleasure in her relationship with him. But whenever she tried to envisage herself with Rajinder in tender and intimate moment she was replaced with Giriraj. Her heart knew only Giriraj. She did not find herself to be able to contradict her heart.
Though many weeks had passed, Giriraj and Mehar had been very intimate with each other, there was still an opaque wall between the two.
Mehar these days was on ninth cloud. She seemed to be in love with everything around her. She had begun to love shopping for the household. She would keep asking Tarabai what more was needed and would go out at the slightest of pretext. She had begun to enjoy those earlier boring dinners and lunches too at Rajinder's colleagues’ places, where earlier she would try to avoid going by feigning ill health or headache at the last moment. Rajinder did not question this, he was simply relieved to see her happy as this attitude of hers' allowed him be with his own schedule without any queries about his personal time, which in any case had dimmed down earlier. Mehar, after trying for some time to be closer to him had discovered that the two of them had completely different frequencies of being. She had lost hope of any resonance with him of thoughts or otherwise and had learned to live in her own cocoon.
And now this cocoon of hers had one more person to reckon with; to love, to be loved, to be cherished, to feel close to, to feel warmth of, to let the fears fly with, to talk of small pleasures, to mention idiocies of thought and have a loud laugh, to fly high in the skies filled with tender emotions, to make a dive in inner oceans.
She had begun to live with Giriraj every moment of her existence though they would meet twice or sometimes thrice a week.
It was another such day. He had come to see her and they were sitting nestled against each other, his arms around her waist and she playfully trying to adjust his collar when he blurted out, “Mehar, you send me away hungry every time we meet.”
She looked in his eyes and saw the question dancing with his brownish black pupils. She was suddenly silenced within herself. Her hands fell in his lap, she reclined against his shoulder, closed her eyes and tried to fight her demons which still sometimes assaulted her whenever thought of him being on his own in his lonely bed came to her. The guilt of having everything at her beck and call and depriving him of what he did not have drilled at her heart many times but she reasoned herself to ignore it each time.
She would console herself that he was not tied to her by any means, not even by any promise of fidelity towards their relationship which yet had to be consummated. But the truth looked straight into her eyes. She was not a virgin. She knew when he needed her. She knew when he had to hold himself so he would not let her down. She knew how many times she herself did not want to come out of his embrace without being fulfilled. She knew this could not go on like this for long. But she had some issues to deal with her inner voice. Her demons haunted her over this issue and she did not have any answer to this right now.
He understood her silence. He shook her by tightening his arms around her with his usual laughter and said, “Hey, I did not ask you to think. I want some action. Come. Let me feel your lips. Are they soft enough for me?”
She looked up and his infectious laughter caught her within a moment. She raised her arms, traced her fingers in his thick hair and before she could say anything both had silenced each other. But today was not going to be another of those fun-filled day for both of them. What had been brewing between them for the past many days had come out in the form of words today. And these words were now vibrating between the two, in their hearts, hearts that wanted to fulfill desires, desires born of passionate emotions raging in two hearts that did not want to limit themselves to any constraints.
That day it seemed Giriraj had decided on something. As they were sitting silently contemplating their situation, she was about to say something when Giriraj put his finger on her lips and said, “Is it possible for you to come where I ask you to?” She did not have to think to say, “Yes.”
“So, we meet at my place, is it okay?” “Okay.”
He laughed and slapped her lovingly on her head. “You are crazy. Those people know you. You cannot come there without being recognized.”
“Oh! Then?”
“Let me see. I will find a way out.”
She remained silent. She did not know what to say to this. She wanted intimacy with him but how and where, she did not know. So she let that be his domain to decide and find. She reveled at being the woman he made her feel deep inside. She did not expect stars at her disposal while in his company but what she felt during those hours was more than what she had ever felt inside her soft corners ever before and she wanted these emotions to be with her forever. She knew this was not possible, so she wanted to steal a corner of the moon and was prepared to be labeled a thief for this cause.
But she was not labeled a thief. She was able to maintain her dignity, she was able to maintain her sanity, she was able to maintain her credibility, though it took her a long way to walk on a slippery and lonely road and she fell many times. Her faith in herself, her ability to prove herself right, her will made of steel made it happen.
The day was unusually a happy day for her. She resonated within herself, fragrant with the feeling of being loved and today there was an undercurrent of anticipation, of being needed, being desired, being wanted with passion at heart; not just on the pretext of fulfilling promises made by others on your behalf, commitments that somebody else made because you were born to them.
Not that she felt any negative feelings towards her parents about their choice of husband for her, but she sometimes wondered about what made them select Rajinder as her husband, besides the fact that he was earning well to run a family. Did they try to find out
More about him? She sometimes wondered what was happening inside him all the time, for he seldom opened to her. They very rarely had intimate or for that matter long talks with each other. Whenever they spoke to each other, it was about either matters related to Ranjit or household. None of the two knew much about what was happening inside the other.
Evening came and went. Diner was served, over and Ranjit put to bed. Rajinder was in his examination room. Mehar had just had her nightly schedule and had changed into a light blue night gown. She was about to pick up a new book from the ones stacked besides her bedside, as the one she had been reading, she had finished last night. Rajinder walked in earlier than expected and sat on the chair. He was looking expectantly at Mehar. One thing he was certain about Mehar was that whatever she wore any time of the day or night, it always looked good on her. With this light blue lose robe she looked like an angel to him. But he had not learned to say it in words and never felt the need to. She stopped midway and felt that he wanted to talk. These days such talks would happen rarely, once a week or even less. He would tell her to come with him to some party or dinner and she would agree willingly. She was happy with life, she had stopped expecting anything more for herself and just needed to flow with the life wherever it would take her.
He coughed once and that sent shivers up her spine. She immediately knew something was coming. He began to shake his legs and said, “I have been elected for a job in the middle east. And I have decided to go there. They have asked me to come to Delhi for visa and then by next month I will be off. You can join me later when I settle down there.”
She slowly sat down on the bed. She did not know how she felt. She had been living with this man for almost ten years by now and had spent most of this time in this house sharing it with him. Now the thought of his going away did not stir any emotions in her. She simply did not feel anything. As if his staying or going away had nothing to do with her. She looked at him with vacant eyes. He was not surprised. She always reacted to any news in this manner. She would stay silent, absorb it and then react after contemplating about it.
He kept looking at her, his legs still shaking, she looking straight at a point on the wall. Finally she spoke, “Okay, when do you leave for Delhi?”
He was relieved to know that she did not raise any questions about her staying back, but then she had always surprised him with her different attitude to all things in life. She never behaved like a normal wife. Today too she simply accepted everything he sent her way. He felt at peace and forgot to answer her. She waited for a while and then she got up to look for the book again. He too got up and thinking about her cold acceptance went to the bathroom.
When he returned she was immersed in her book. He lay down and went to sleep shortly snoring to glory, while she read till late hours that night. She was suddenly silenced deep inside. She had accepted the fact that since she was married to Rajinder she would have to live with him day in and day out for the rest of her life. But now this new development had opened a new window to her. She suddenly came to know that he will not be in this house with her and she will be able to live on her own. This made her feel relieved, opened up, delightful and light at heart. Thought of Giriraj came to her and his words asking her for more intimacy and she was transported to her inner world. She put down the book by the bedside table and closed her eyes. His smiling face danced in her eyes and his husky voice echoed in her being. He lulled her to a blissful sleep.
Rajinder had gone to Delhi, when she got the invitation for Colonel Arora's surprise birthday arranged by his son Ronak. She knew Giriraj would be there. They had met at their place many times after they had become intimate to each other. It seemed that no one knew anything about this intimacy between the two. But later Giriraj told her that Ronak knew. She took that in her stride and tried to keep this out of her mind whenever she was there.
Today too she met Giriraj the way she always did and the party went well, but there was something in the air which made her a little uncomfortable. She felt something piercing at her through Colonel's eyes. And soon the cat came out of the bag. After they all had a ball and everything was done and over with the party, Colonel held her by her shoulder and said, “Come with me Mehar, I want to have a word with you.”
She knew what was coming. She took a deep breath, looked at Giriraj sitting in front of her and talking to Mrs. Arora. He returned her look with a smile, threw a little stolen wink towards her and lowered his gaze. She did not know the Colonel's sharp eyes had
Caught their every movement. They walked past the family and friends sitting and enjoying drinks and snacks. No one paid any attention to them. Colonel still enclosing her shoulder by one hand walked her almost through the whole lawn and brought her to the farthest corner where a beautiful intricately designed wrought iron bench was placed. She had always admired this bench but never before had the opportunity to sit on it. Colonel had to raise his arm high as Mehar with her high heeled shoes was tall for his medium height. And this bench although was meant for three people but with his ever expanding girth when the two sat on it, there was hardly any room for a third person.
She was relaxed as she knew what was coming. Colonel remained silent for a while and then finally he spoke, “Mehar, I know what is between you and Giriraj. I will not ask you why. Because it is stupid to ask after seeing you two so close to each other.. .I can feel it. But I just want to let you know that have you ever thought about the consequences this might have on your life?”
She was surprised by his mature thoughts and she was at a loss of words. Truly she had never thought on those lines. She was living in the present. She had been so let down by the life that she had forgotten to look forward to anything, she had completely lost faith in the future, so much so that she was not able to foresee that the heartburn and tears she was to encounter were just around the corner. She did not know that the picnic was about to be over. She had roses on her cheeks, stars in her eyes, her hands full of present galore and her heart knew no bounds.
He saw all this in her eyes and he patted her hands kept in her lap and got up.
“You are a mature person. I have said all I had to. Please, think about what I said to you at this minute. I am your friend.”
He stretched his hand for her. She too got up and together they walked back to the party where nobody had missed them. Except of course Giriraj. He looked at her with questioning eyes and she gestured him to stay quiet.
Soon everyone got up to move and Colonel asked Giriraj to accompany Mehar as it was late in the evening. She had many times gone on her own from his house even at later hours. She understood what he meant by today's gesture and thanked him. He simply shook
her hand with his both hands and said, “Think about what I said to you.”
They reached home and she asked him to come inside but he did not. He knew this was the hour when sometimes visitors came and her house was abuzz with Ranjit's activities. Though he wanted to know what has transpired between Colonel and her but could not ask point blank and she was silent about it. She wanted to contemplate before uttering anything to him. She was already thinking about it. They bade each other goodbye and she came in. Giriraj felt uneasy but he had no option but go to his office as his routine working hours started during evenings
She was a little disturbed that day. She had been thinking about what the Colonel had said to her. She knew that his intentions were right, there was no vested interest in whatever he conveyed to her. She was emotionally getting involved with Giriraj with every passing day. This has already started creeping in her life. She would be restless the days they did not meet. Though she remained cheerful but something kept her on her toes all the time. She would hope against hope that he would come and kept looking in anticipation at every ringing of the door bell. Sometimes she would even ignore what little Ranjit asked her as she was thinking of their close moments but later she would egret it.
There were still a few hours left before she could call it a day. She put Ranjit to bed and came to her bedroom. She felt delighted that tonight and for many more nights to come, she would not have to share this room with Rajinder. Not just the bedroom, but the house, her life, her body, everything and this gave her immense relief. She changed and lay down. Then as she picked up the book by the bedside, Giriraj's face danced in front of her eyes, she kept the book back, she did not feel like reading today. Her face lit up with a smile and at the same time the Colonel's words echoed in her ears.
She wondered if this was a divine sign that as she was getting closer to Giriraj, Rajinder had decided to move to the middle east. Many questions flooded her mind. Whatever be the situation, whether Rajinder stayed there or went away, she was married to him and she could not escape from this fact, she knew that. She had to see her life through this lens only. Even if it meant a leaner picture, devoid of color, devoid of love, devoid of life, devoid of stability, devoid of any moorings, devoid of companionship, devoid of
Compassion, devoid of fun. She had been feeling much older than her years, before she came in contact with Giriraj. He had shown her different hues of life and she became a young girl overnight. She found it strange that Rajinder had not been able to see any change in her. This change was there for everyone to see and the Colonel was no exception. He saw, he felt and he warned her.
She wanted to understand more about what he had said to her. She wanted to read between the lines. She wanted to explore the future, her own future, where it was leading her, in which direction, to what shores, to where. She had been floating aimlessly in the river of life so far a happy go lucky girl at college. Her parents wanted her to marry.
She marries the man of their choice. He does not want her to study further, wants her to mother his child instead. She obeys. Then one day out of the blue he wants her to study further and with full knowledge of the fact that it is not his own thinking she does exactly that. And now what?
He wants her to stay back as long as he wants and then wants her to join him in an alien land, where she does not know anyone. A country not known to be fair to women. A country where she will not know a single soul, for the one who wants her to follow him is a stranger to her. A country where if she needs to share her joy, there will be only walls closing in upon her, a country where if she needs to shed some tears, there will not be a single soul around.
She revolts silently. She feels scared. She feels nauseated. She gets up sweating heavily. She sits upright in her bed. And she takes her first firm decision at that hour of the night. She takes that decision in the presence of darkness of her own bedroom. She woes to herself that she will abide by this very first decision of herself and whatever comes, whatever may happen, she will not go to that alien land with Rajinder. The dark moonless night and silent tree outside the window are her only witnesses.
