An untellable secret
(Some secrets may better remain secrets for ever)
Kotra Siva Rama Krishna
“Then what it can be? What made her that much depressed in the first place to commit suiside?” Menaka asked looking into the face of Smaran with an irritating expression.
Smaran smiled, closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair.
“Uncle….I say….that you already have an idea why she committed suiside, is it is not so?” Menaka knitted her brows together.
Smaran wanted to say something but then his cell phone rang. Both Menaka and Sukanya remained silent while he was talking and after cutting off the call he said. “I have to go out on an important work. You both friends break your heads to guess about what it could be at some other place. I have to close this office and go out.”
Then Menaka and Sukanya also have to leave that office along with Smaran.
***
“Do you want to be hypnotized on this day also?” Menaka and Nirmala were in the kitchen engaged in preparing something.
“Yes. I want to be hypnotized like that every day. I feel quite good and easily slip myself into sleep.”
“Then I do hypnotize you on this day also and everyday too.” Menaka laughed and said. “I really enjoy hypnotizing you so.”
“You need not ask me. If you find me sitting in the chair in the bed room or lying in the bed struggling to sleep, come and hypnotize me.” Nirmala said.
There was some silence in between.
“Nirupama used to hypnotize you every day then?” Menaka said.
“Yes. She used to hypnotize me everyday. She does the same once she comes to home again. She is an expert in that to say.”
There was a pause and Menaka did not say anything.
“I must say you are also doing it quite good. Where you people have learnt this art?”
“We can know about it through books. Psychologists know about it more. As your daughter has been studying psychology, she knows about it more and became an expert in it.”
“May be you are right.” Nirmala nodded her head.
“You know, we can hypnotize ourselves. We don’t need another person’s help.” Menaka said again.
“Self-hypnotism? My daughter discussed about this also with me. But it requires more effort. Why do I bother with it when I have got wonderful hypnotists in my home itself?”
Menaka once again laughed and said “You are right.”
There was silence again and Nirmala put the pieces of vegetables in the pan on the stove.
“Nirupama indeed an attractive and beautiful girl.” Menaka said.
Nirmala turned and looked at Menaka. “You are also an attractive and beautiful girl. I just remember my daughter every time I look at you.”
“Thank you very much. I am indeed flattered. But I am not as much pretty as Nirupama.”
“It is not so. You both are equals. You are also as much pretty as Nirupama.” Nirmala once again indulged in her work.
“Especially her eyes. They are so beautiful and active. Are not they?” Menaka was quite careful.
Nirmala abruptly turned towards Menaka and said. “Her eyes?” there was a sudden change in her voice.
“Yes. I mean her eyes. They are quite active and we can see her intelligence in her eyes.”
“Yes. You are right. Her eyes are very active and intelligent.” Her voice was shivering. “How do you know? You did not see Nirupama yet.”
“I have seen her photograph. Her eyes are quite clear in it.”
There was heavy silence for sometimes prevailed between them then.
“But she does not like her eyes now. She hates them.”
Menaka startled. It was just like a bomb was dropped between them. “What! Menaka hates her own eyes now?”
Nirmala dropped the ladle in her hand on the floor. “Did I say anything to you now?” the shivering was still in her voice.
“You said that your daughter does not like her eyes now and she hates them.”
“I did not say anything.” Nirmala hastily said.
“But you said it.” Menaka carefully said.
“Forget. I did not say anything like that to you. Don’t broach this subject ever again to me.” Nirmala curtly said. The anxiety in her face then was shocking to Menaka.
Menaka understood that Nirmala was not going to say anything to her then.
***
It was middle of the night and Sukanya sat upright on her bed. Her mouth was dry and throat aching. She was terribly feeling thirsty but she did not want to drink water then.
She could not think it was a dream. It was so real. She could hear her voice even now also. She preferred to call her so most of the times.
“Kanya.”
But there was sorrow in her voice now. Deep sorrow. Sukanya looked into her eyes. There was sadness.
“I should not have died.” She said.
Sukanya was just listening. She was trembling and she knew there was no more Nirupama.
“I should not have left you like this. I know that you do feel a lot about me.”
‘Was it a dream? Could it be just a dream?” Sukanya was thinking. It was all just minutes back.
“Whether it is a dream or not’ Sukanya’s lips were trembling. ‘You said it right. You should not have left me alone. First and foremost you should not have left your parents like that. You did a very big mistake.”
For a moment Sukanya thought to go into the other room and share her experience with her mother. But she did not. She did not want to wake up her peacefully sleeping mother.
She fall back and tried to sleep. She indeed needed to put an effort to fall into sleep again.
***
“I see.” Niranjan nodded his head. “You heard Nirupama saying so. Why you are thinking it was not a dream?”
“It was so real, that is why I am not thinking that it was a dream.”
“You were not sleeping then? Was it all happened while you were awaken?
“No. I was sleeping at that time.” Sukanya said irritatingly.
“You were sleeping? That means it all happened in your dream. How do you say it all real?”
“I was sleeping alright but as soon as Nirupama started saying something I woke up. I did not sleep for a long time afterwards.”
“Can you tell me what Nirupama said to you at that time?”
Sukanya told him what Nirupama said to her.
“You still remember exactly what she has said to you at that time?” Niranjan said.
“Yes.” Sukanya said.
Niranjan smiled again. “It was not your dream then. At the same time it was not really happened either.”
“I cannot understand what you are saying.” Sukanya confused.
“You have imagined all that while you were awaken in the middle of night.”
“No. It is even more preposterous! How do I imagine something like that without knowing I am imagining.”
“It may be surprising but it is possible. You are so much obsessed with thoughts about Nirupama. So you have started imagining like this about her. Don’t feel surprise! Sometimes we do imagine like that and think it is really happening.”
“You are right. I can say I am obsessed with thinking about Nirupama. I just cannot get rid of that thinking. Mostly it is all useless thinking. Once there is no chance that Nirupama comes again, there is no use of thinking her so all the time.”
“I agree with you on that.” Niranjan nodded his head.
“But still I cannot agree I have just imagined all that. It is preposterous!”
“I already said. Sometimes it happens like that.” Niranjan said.
“Alright. I agree with what you have said.” Menaka nodded her head. “But even more big problem to me is I just cannot stop thinking about her. What should I do with these obsessive thoughts? Can I stop them by force?”
“If you try to do it like that with them they do become even more strong. We should never try to stop our thoughts by force?”
“What should I have to do then?” she once again irritated.
“Before you know about how to deal with thoughts, it is important that you should know the type of thoughts. Thoughts are two types. Intentional thoughts and unintentional thoughts. Intentional thoughts are those which you do intentionally. You shall have control over the intentional thoughts. There is no necessity to worry much about them. The next are unintentional thoughts. These unintentional thoughts do come all the time. You need not do them at all. Whatever you may be doing, they just pop into your mind all the time. These unintentional thoughts consist pleasant and unpleasant thoughts also.
The main problem is, whenever thoughts unintentionally pop-up into you, you think that you are doing those thoughts intentionally. Then you become irritated. You are doing something important and want to do that with all the concentration but these unintentional thoughts trouble you coming from nowhere. Sometimes you stop and try to clear these unintentional thoughts but they do become even fierce and their strength would become even more. Whenever you try to clear the unintentional thoughts and remove them from your mind, it happens like this.”
“You are absolutely right. It is interesting to hear. I never have known thoughts as intentional and unintentional.” Sukanya beamed on hearing that.
“Yes. They are like that. And there is a solution also for this. Just don’t bother about these unintentional thoughts. Gently remind yourself that you have no business with these unintentional thoughts. Treat these unintentional thoughts just like you treat the outside disturbances. Once you stop worrying about these unintentional thoughts and stop fighting with them, they do weaken. Either they do become disappear or even they are there, they don’t bother you anymore.
Sometimes there may be some useful tips also are available in these unintentional thoughts. So, don’t try to run away from those thoughts and whenever you find some useful thing in them note it somewhere.
It is not going to be possible just in one day or one week to learn to deal with unintentional thoughts in this way. At the same time it is very difficult to find the difference between intentional and unintentional thoughts. But practice wins every time. If you are persistent you sure do get control over unintentional thoughts.” Niranjan concluded.
“But I have a problem with imagination also. I am imagining quite irritative things sometimes. How this imagination stops?” Sukanya worried.
“Your imagination depends on your thinking. Once your thinking comes under control of you, your imagination also stops. Don’t think too much about these thoughts or imagination. Just let them come and go.”
“What should I do next time I start imagining like this?”
“Follow the same technique that you do follow for your unintentional thinking. Just remind yourself that it is all your unintentional imagination and not real. If the imagination persists, let it go, don’t try to stop it. Just observe the imagination as it is happening. Soon this imagination weakens and you stop doing that.”
“It is really very interesting to know about it in this way.”
“Our mind itself is a very interesting thing. So whatever relates to our minds also would be interesting.”
Sukanya nodded her head. There was silence between them both for sometime.
“It is very sad that Nirupama ended her life so. I think it is even more hard on you. You both are that much good friends, you both came here always together.”
“I still could not digest what happened indeed. I never have expected something like this.”
“No one can expect something like this.”
“We both have shared lot many things between ourselves. We did not conceal anything from each other. Why Niru did not prefer to share this something with me I cannot understand.”
“It may be of such magnitude. She said everything almost to me too. She did not even refer remotely either that something bothering her that much.” Niranjan said.
They talked some more time on that.
“I am feeling really very happy coming and talking with you like this. Now I go and come again to you.” Sukanya said and got off from the chair she sat.
“I really love it.” Niranjan said. “I am having a feeling that Niru came to me by your coming to me here.”
(I hope that you enjoyed upto here. I shall publish the next chapter as soon as possible. Please don’t forget to rate and review.)
