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Murdering English Language
1.Principal to student... “I saw you yesterday rotating
near a girl's hostel pulling cigarettes?”
2.“Class teacher once said: “Pick up the paper and fall in
the dustbin!”
3.“Once a Hindi teacher said. “I’m going out of the world
to America.”
4.“Don’t try to talk in front of my back”.
5.“Don’t… laugh at the backbenches. otherwise teeth and
all will have fallen down”.
6.It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher
entered. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was
some problem. and then she said “why is the fan not
oning.” (ing form of on).
7.“Teacher in a furious mood. write down your name and
father of your name!!”
8. “Shhh... quiet, the principal is revolving around college.”
9. My manager started like this “Hi, I am Madhu, Married
with two kids.”
10. “Will you hang that calendar or else I’ll hang myself.”
11. Librarian scolds, “if you will talk again, I will kneel
down outside.”
12. Chemistry HOD comes and tells us “My aim is to
study my son and marry my daughter.”
13.“Tomorrow call your parents, especially mother
and father.”
14.“Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when
I am in the class?!”
15. Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote the
wrong code. “I understand. You understand. Computer
how understand?”
16.Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the
noisy class. “Keep quiet, the principal has just passed
away.”
17.Once Teacher Told “If you Talk So Loudly I Will Stand
Uping you.”
18.Teacher to students: Don’t spit outside, the
understanding people will suffer.”
19.“I have three daughters, all are girls.”
20.This is what my manager said, “Peoples, please sit
down and take your seats.”
21.“I am take a surprising test tomorrow.”
22. “Take 5m wire of any length.”
23. “Can you audible me?”
24.“Can you want to know this?”
25.“There may be ambiguity arises.”
26.“Can you able to know this? “
27.“My head is eating circles.”
28.“My heart becomes garden-garden.”
29.“Kindly return my money as my wife is hardly
pressing for money.”
30.In the court a probationer lawyer started his
arguments addressing the
lady judge- ‘My lady!’ the accused was caught red
handed by the complainant lady …
Leave Applications Murdering
English Language:
An employee applied for leave as follows:
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along
with my wife please sanction me one-week leave.”
A leave application from an employee who was to
perform the “mundan” ceremony of his10 year old
son (it’s a ceremony in which hairs of head are
completely shaved):
“As I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me
for two days.”
Another gem- Leave-letter from an employee who
was performing his daughter’s wedding:
“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s
leave.”
Leave application to Administration:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one
responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock
and I may not return, please grant me half day casual
leave.”
An incident of a leave letter:
“I am suffering from a fever, please declare a one-day
holiday.”
A leave letter to the headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from a
headache. I request you to leave me today.”
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
“As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for
the day.”
Covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith...”
Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer
to my below...”
Actual letter written for application of leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only
husband at home I may be granted leave.”
Letter writing:
“I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”
A candidate’s job application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a
‘Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female’... As I am
both for the past several years and I can handle both
with good experience. I am applying for the post.”
An application to his boss through telegram from a
remote station.
“Sir, as my wife is sick, kindly send reliever so that I may
proceed ahead.”
A Letter from a Mother to Her Son
I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you
cannot read fast.
About your father. . . He has a lovely new job. He has 500
men under him.
He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came
with me.
The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me
not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered two
thousand rupees to buy it from him.
Your dear mummy
XYZ
A Condolence Letter
Dear friend sunny!
I am glad that you informed me about the sad demise
of your father. I am praying to the god that the soul of
your dear father may rest in pieces.
A sorry friend of you
XYZ
A Correction-of-a-(Incorrected) Correction
“The “Daily News” wish to apologize for our apology to
Mr. C P Verma, published Oct. 22.
“In correcting the incorrect statements about Mr. C P
Verma published Oct. 15, we incorrectly published the
incorrect correction. We accept and regret that our
original regrets were unacceptable and we apologize to
Mr. C P Verma for any distress caused by our previous
apology”.
It is not Murdering English but a Research-
There is a two-letter word that has perhaps more
meanings than any other two-letter English word,
and that is the word “UP.”
It’s easy to understand “UP” as meaning “toward the
sky” or “moving to the top” of something, but why do
we wake UP in the morning (just before we get UP)?
At a meeting, we must speak UP in order to bring UP
a topic. Then it’s UP to the secretary to write UP a
report (unless she can think UP an excuse).
We call UP our friends and ask them to come UP for
dinner. For them, we brighten UP the room, and we
polish UP the silver, hoping they’ve worked UP an
appetite. We mess UP the kitchen cooking UP a meal
and using towels to soak UP spills. Afterward, we have
to clean UP, and the next day, we warm UP the leftovers.
Sometimes, guys lock UP their house, line UP to buy
parts, and then fix UP their old cars. Politicians stir UP
trouble, especially when they’re UP for election. To be
dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is something
special! A drain must be opened UP because it is
stopped UP.
If your can of Drano is empty, it’s all used UP. We open
UP a store in the morning, but at night we close UP
shop.
If it looks like rain, we say it is clouding UP. When
the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it
rains, some things get wet and may end UP being all
rusted UP. But when it doesn’t rain for a while, then
everything dries UP.
And in the winter, things can freeze UP! We seem to
be pretty mixed UP about “UP”! If you want to know
more about “UP,” look it UP in the dictionary.
It may take UP a fourth of the page, and can add UP
to about thirty definitions! If you are UP to it, you
might try building UP your own list of the many uses
of “UP.” It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you
don’t give UP, you may wind UP with more than a
hundred! I could go on and on, but my time is UP.
I’m going to wrap it UP by shutting UP!
ONE WORD FOR MANY
Accomplice : One who is a partner in a crime.
Aggressor : One who attacks first.
Altruist : One who believes in helping others.
Ambiguous : Which can be interpreted in two ways.
Anarchy : A state in which there is absence or
Lack of government.
Ancestral : Inherited from forefathers.
Anonymous : Which does not bear the writer’s name.
Autocrat : A ruler with unlimited powers.
Aquarium : A tank for fishes and water plants.
Arsenal : A factory or store for weapons of war.
Autocracy : Government by one who’s will as law.
Aviary : A place for keeping birds.
Bigot : One who has narrow and
prejudicial religious views.
Blasphemy : Something said or done to show
disrespect towards god or religion.
Brittle : Which is easily breakable.
Census : An official numbering of the population.
Cemetery : A place where dead bodies are buried.
Chauvinist : One who praises a group or reason
beyond limit.
Contagious : A disease which spreads by contacts.
Contemporary : One who lives at the same time as
another.
Connoisseur : One who judges art and craft.
Credulous : One who easily believes whatever
is told to him.
Cynic : One who disregards good deeds
of others.
Diplomacy : The art practiced by statesmen
and ambassadors.
Domestic : An animal which can be trained.
Edible : Which is fit to eat.
Effeminate : One who behaves as a woman.
Egoistic : One who thinks of himself.
Emigrant : A person who leaves his native
to settle in another.
Epidemic : A disease which affects a large area.
Epicure : One who is fond of tasty food.
Epitaph : Words inscribed on the tomb
(grave stone) of a man.
Extempore : A speech delivered without
any preparation
Fable : A story of birds and animals.
Fanatic : One who is following his religion
blindly and rigidly.
Fastidious : One who is very selective for his
habits and choices.
Fatal : Which is sure to end into death.
Fatalist : One who believes in fate.
Flexible : Which can be easily bent.
Germicide : A medicine which kills germs.
Glutton : One who eats too much.
Gourmand : One who is fond of eating.
Gregarious : A special person who likes to
spend time in the company of
friends.
Honorary : Work for which no salary is paid.
Illegible : Which cannot be read.
Illegal : Which is contrary to law.
Illicit : A trade which is prohibited by law
Impracticable : Which cannot be practiced or done.
Inaudible : Which cannot be heard.
Incomprehensible: Which cannot be understood.
Incredible : That which cannot be believed.
Inexplicable : That which cannot be explained.
Indispensable : A thing or person without which a
job cannot be done.
Inevitable : Which is sure to happen.
Indefatigable : One who never gets tired.
Ineligible : One who cannot be elected.
Infallible : One who cannot
make a mistake.
Infanticide : An act of killing of new-born babies.
Intolerable : That which cannot be endured.
Irreparable : Which cannot be repaired.
Irrevocable : That which cannot be changed
or revoked.
Irrelevant : A remark which does not apply to the
matter on hand.
Insecticide : A medicine which kills insects.
Insoluble : Which cannot be solved.
Insolvent : A person who cannot pay his debts.
Invisible : Which cannot be seen.
Leper : A person who suffers from Leprosy.
Linguistic : One who knows many languages.
Maiden : A speech delivered for the first time.
Martyr : One who dies for a noble cause.
Migratory : A bird which comes and goes with
the seasons.
Mint : A place where money is coined.
Mortal : One who is subjected to death.
Narcissist : One who loves to self.
Novice : One who is new to any business.
Nursery : A place where young plants are grown.
Omnipotent : One who is all powerful.
Omniscient : One who sees everything, or
nothing is hidden to him.
Obsolete : A word which is no longer in use.
Optimistic : One who looks upon the brighter
side of everything.
Opaque : Which cannot be seen through.
Panacea : A remedy for all diseases.
Paradox : A statement which appears to
be false but is really true.
Parasol : A lady’s umbrella.
Pessimistic : One who looks upon the darker
side of everything.
Pedestrian : One who walks on foot.
Philanthropist : One who is a lover of mankind.
Philatelist : One who collects postage stamps.
Plumber : A person who fits and mends
taps and pipes.
Polyglot : A person who knows and is able
to use many languages.
Posthumous : A child born after the death of its
father.
Premature : Which happens before the proper
time.
Prophecy : Statement which tells about what
will happen in future.
Remunerations : The sum paid for a piece of work.
Spinster : A woman who has not married.
Samaritan : Someone who gives help to
people who need it.
Sine cure : An office with no work and high
pay.
Soliloquy : The act of speaking aloud one’s
thoughts when alone.
Soporific : Anything (especially a drug) that
Endures sleep.
Stoic : One who is indifferent to pleasure
or pain.
Supernatural : Which is beyond the power of
nature.
Teetotaller : One who abstains from
intoxicating drinks.
Theist : One who believes in god.
Transparent : Which can be seen through.
Unavoidable : That which cannot be avoided.
Unconquerable : That which cannot be conquered
or defeated.
Universal : Which prevails everywhere.
Unjustifiable : Which cannot be justified.
Unreliable : That which cannot be depended
upon.
Usurer : One who lends money at a high
rate of interest.
Verbatim : To repeat word for word.
Veteran : One who has long experience.
Volunteer : A person who offers his services
freely.
Waif : A homeless child.
Wardrobe : A place where clothes are kept.
Wild : Which cannot be tamed.
Craziest Words:
Stop Being A Nincompoop and Learn A Little-
Shakespeare is known for creating some “crazy” words,
but most of those words are now so common that we
don’t notice. These words range from “hurry” to “zany”
and in the 1400s they were quite strange.
Today, we are going to delve into some of the craziest
words, many of which have been around about as long
as some of Shakespeare’s “gibberish” and some from
the early 1940s and 1950s. Some of these words are
used regularly in many places around the English-
speaking world, whereas other places haven’t even heard
of them. Let’s see which of these craziest words you
already know and which ones are new to you:
Bumfuzzle. This is a simple term that refers to being
confused, perplexed, or flustered or to cause confusion.
You’ve probably heard your grandma or grandpa use
this phrase, especially if they are from the East Coast
or below the Mason-Dixon Line. This word is derived
from the Old English dumfoozle.
Cattywampus. This is a term that you will find in the
Midland and Southern United States. It is referring to
something that is in disarray, that is askew, or something
that isn’t directly across from something. For example,
a post
office might be cattywampus from the library. You might
actually know this word by the terms catty-corner,
kitty-corner, or catawampus.
Gardyloo. This is actually a Scottish term, but it sounds
really nifty! The definition is a funny and gross one; this
is what people living in Edinburgh shouted out their
windows as a warning before dumping their slop
buckets out of their windows. At least they gave a little
bit of a warning to those below!
Taradiddle. This word references someone or something
that is filled with pretentious nonsense or something that
is a lie. A great example of this is that classic fisherman’s
tale of how big the fish he caught was. Usually the
fisherman is lying or at least exaggerating about the fish,
especially if he (or she) didn’t keep the fish.
Snickersnee. While this word sounds like something funny
or possibly cute, it is actually referring to a long, dangerous
knife. It was first used in reference to cut-and- thrust
fighting in the 1700s and is still occasionally used when referencing the knife, though it is becoming more and
more obsolete.
Widdershins. This is another way to say something
is moving counter clockwise or something is moving
in the wrong direction. It is a much more fun way to
say counter- clockwise and is most likely something
you heard one of your grandparents or great-
grandparents say. Many people do still use it in many
poems and newly published books.
Collywobbles. This refers to a weird feeling in your
stomach or an overall bellyache. It is derived from the
Latin phrase cholera morbus, meaning it came from
the disease we all know as cholera. This is a word
many people still use especially older individuals, and
the background is quite dark! Many don’t realize the
dark background much like many being unaware of
the origins of “Ring around the Rosie.”
Gubbins. This is an object that has little or no value and
is also referring to a gadget or device. It can also refer to
odds and ends or rubbish and, oddly enough, can be used
to describe a silly person. We don’t know about you, but
it seems a little strange that a word describing something
with little to no value also refers to someone who is silly.
Abibliophobia. Now this is a word that perfectly describes
many people and you may be one! This refers to someone
who is afraid of running out of things to read. We’re
guessing that you are probably going to start using this
word to describe yourself as you head out the door to
the nearest Barnes and Noble or local bookshop.
Bumbershoot. Here is a fun word that most people know.
This is referring to an umbrella and is something we have
heard in many Disney films or in many different books.
It is quite fun to grab your umbrella and say in a fun
voice, “I think I need my bumbershoot today!”
Lollygag. The origin of this word is unknown, but it first
surfaced
around 1868.The definition of “lollygag” is someone
who is messing around or wasting time. It also refers to
someone who is doing something that isn’t serious or
useful. This could be a good word to use when
procrastinating, “I’m just lollygagging.” Are you a
lollygagger?
Flibbertigibbet. This is another fun word! This refers to
someone who is silly and who talks incessantly.
The first known usage of this word is the 15th century
and used to be spelled flepergebet. This word also refers
to a person who is flighty.
Malarkey. This refers to words that are insincere and
talk that is particularly foolish. This is a word that we
can thank the 1920s and 19030s for and it is still used
by many people. It is a fun word to say, as well.
Pandiculation. This is what happens when you wake up in
the morning and stretch. As you stretch, your muscles
might go rigid for a short time, which can sometimes be uncomfortable.
It also describes that wonderful, or terrible, combination
of being extremely sleepy, stretching and yawning at the
same time. Now, when this happens to you, you’ll know
what to call it!
Sialoquent. Do you remember being the eager student
in high school or college who sat on the front row?
Do you remember how much the professor spit while
talking? Well, this is what that action is called. This is
such an eloquent word for such an uncomfortable front
row sensation?
Wabbit. No, this isn’t referring to a wascally wabbit.
It is a Scottish term for being exhausted. Next time
you’re tired, try saying, “I’m pretty wabbit at the
moment” and see just how many people look at you
strangely.
Snollygoster. This is something many people already call
many Politicians, but it happens to be a nicer sounding
term. This refers to a politician who does or says things
for their own personal advancement instead of following
their own principles. Try saying this in your next political discussion and see people’s reaction.
Erinaceous. This is a strange one; it refers to something or
someone who resembles a hedgehog. If someone ever says
that you are looking quite erinaceous today, you know now
to give them a penetrating, evil glare.
Bibble. You know those people in your favourite restaurant
who drink and/or eat noisily? What they are doing is referred
to as bibble.
Impignorate. How about using this word when you want to
say that you’re pawning something? It is a much fancier
term and quite a fun one at that. This phrase doesn’t only
mean to pawn but also to mortgage something.
Nudiustertian. Have you ever wished that you had a word
for the day before yesterday? This is that word! It might
be a little bit more convoluted to say, but it sure is an
interesting sounding word. This word is sure to confuse,
and eventually astound, people. Now that you know this
word, try teaching it to your friends!
Quire. You can always say “two dozen sheets of paper” or
you can say “quire.” It means the same thing! Interesting,
huh? There are quite a few single words for many
phrases.
Ratoon. Don’t worry, this isn’t referring to a raccoon and
rat mix breed or an ROUS (rodents of unusual size), it is,
in fact, referring to that small shoot or growth that comes
from the root of a plant. You will see a lot of these in the
spring and summer as things are growing.
Yarborough. This refers to when you are playing a game of
cards and the dealer deals a hand without any numbers
above nine. This can really be unfortunate or great,
depending on which game you are playing.
Xertz. You’re outside in the summer heat moving heavy
furniture or other items, making you super thirsty. As
soon as you’re able, you grab a tall glass of water,
lemonade, or iced tea and gulp it down quickly and/or
greedily, helping to quench your thirst and cool yourself
down. When you do this, it is called xertz. This also
refers to eating food quickly and/or greedily.
Zoanthropy. This is an interesting term! It refers to a
person who has delusions that they are a form of animal or
that they have changed into an animal.
Pauciloquent. If you are a person of few words, then this is
the term for you. It refers to someone who doesn’t say much
or who, when giving a speech, gives a very short one.
This is a great way for you to tell people you are a person of
few words, without having to say that whole long statement.
Give this a try next time and see what happens.
Bloviate. This is the opposite of pauciloquent and refers to
people who talk for a long period of time or who inflate
their story to make themselves sound better. This also refers
to someone whose words are empty and have no meaning.
Borborygm. You know that rumbling you sometimes get in
your stomach? Well, this is one term for that sensation! It
might be a little bit more difficult to say than saying,
“I’m hungry,” though.
Brouhaha. This is a word we are sure many people have
heard and it is still used a lot today. This refers to an
uproar or big event. We guess you could say the latest
sports team to win at something sure did cause a
brouhaha!
Absquatulate. This refers to yourself or someone else
leaving suddenly. It can also mean that someone has
absconded with something, as well. It is more a form of
slang, but it isn’t something you hear every day!
Comeuppance. This is definitely a word you probably
heard your grandparents use at some point and it is used
in many films set in the 1920s to the 1950s or 60s. This is
a fun word and it should be used more than it is. It means
that someone will get what they deserve or will “get their
just desserts.”
Donnybrook. This is a fun little word for an uprising, a
melee, or a riot. It can also refer to an argument. If you
search Google for this particular term, you will not only
find the definition but also learn that it is a place called Donnybrook, which is part of Dublin, Ireland. Very
interesting!
Nincompoop. This is another word that we are sure you
have heard at some point and you probably know the
definition. This refers to someone who is silly, foolish, or
just downright stupid. It was used regularly in the 1950s
and 60s but is still quite a fun word to say!
Kerfuffle. It means to make a fuss or a bother, usually
when people have different points of view.
Hullaballoo. A word that really sounds like what it means,
hullaballoo (noun) is the loud noises and shouting that
people make when they’re angry.
Cacophony. cacophony (noun) is a mixture of horrible
sounds. Imagine birds screeching, alarm bells ringing and
babies screaming…and you’ve got yourself a cacophony!
Ragamuffin. a ragamuffin is a person who wears dirty and
scruffy clothes – clothes that are just like rags!
Whippersnapper. It is a mixture of two terms. One referred
to a lazy person who had no ambitions. The other term
was used for young people who lived on the street and
did bad things, like stealing and Tricking people. The
meaning has changed over the years, and today it’s used
for a young person who’s too confident and perhaps a little cheeky! It’s a perfect word to use for an inquisitive child
who just can’t stop questioning and correcting their
parents!
Gobbledygook. It was created in the 1940’s to mean
words that are nonsense or have no meaning. It also
describes when people use too many technical words
and so other people can’t understand what they're
saying.
Gibberish. Gibberish (noun) means the same: nonsense
words and phrases that sound like English but have little meaning.
Poppycock. Have you ever listened to somebody trying
to talk about something that they know absolutely
nothing about?
Like, you know that what they’re saying is completely
untrue, yet they insist on continuing to talk? Or where
someone has told you some so-called facts that are totally wrong?
It’s highly likely that they’re talking poppycock!
Discombobulate. Discombobulate means to confuse!
Flummox. If you’re now feeling very discombobulated,
you are also flummoxed (adjective). To flummox a
person (verb) means to confuse them a lot.
Curmudgeon. word for someone who’s very bad-
tempered and grumpy.
Lackadaisical. How about if you want to describe that
someone is lazy and has no enthusiasm or
determination? Lackadaisical (adjective) would be
perfect in this situation!
Woebegone. woebegone means “surrounded by
sadness.
Lollygag. means to be idle and lazy or to waste time.
Frankenfood. The word Frankenfood (noun) came
into existence in the 1990’s. It’s used informally for
genetically modified (GM) foods.
