I was one of them.
I had come here, but I had no idea what to do next or what to study.
So, I joined a coaching institute for UPSC preparation.
I attended classes regularly.
Regular classes, mock tests, practice sessions — I did everything that a UPSC aspirant is supposed to do.
I worked extremely hard and devoted myself completely to my studies.
Just like that, one year passed.
The exam date arrived.
My examination was only a few days away, but I was confident in myself.
On the day of the exam, I went to the examination center.
I gave my 100% because it was my first attempt, and I had a different kind of enthusiasm and energy.
After the exam, the result was scheduled to be announced in one month.
During that month, I continued studying. I improved my English and worked on my weaknesses.
I did not even realize how quickly the month passed.
Finally, the result day arrived.
I went to check my result happily, but I could not clear UPSC.
I had missed it by just a few marks.
It hurt a little, but I was okay because I knew UPSC was not an easy examination.
There were others who had been preparing for two or three years, and some of them scored even less than I did.
I felt bad for them, but not as much for myself, because according to me, I had performed well.
I told myself, “Next time.”
After the result, I went home.
While traveling back, my mind was filled with more questions than happiness.
What would I say when my family and others asked me?
How would I answer them?
Thinking all this, I reached my village.
Everyone was looking at me because I was the first boy from the village to go to the city to prepare for UPSC.
But when people found out that I had not cleared the exam, they started talking.
“It didn’t happen.”
“We told you earlier, this is not for people like us.”
“You wasted your parents’ money. Is your UPSC dream over now?”
People taunted me constantly. Even my family’s behavior seemed different.
Still, I ignored everything and gathered courage to return to the city to prepare once again.
But this time, I had lost my confidence.
I was afraid — of people’s taunts, of my family’s situation, of their expectations, of their changed behavior toward me.
There was no one to guide or support me.
All of this was hurting me from the inside.
I stayed awake at night studying, taking tension, overthinking — but I never shared anything with anyone.
Because no one understood me. Everyone judged me.
Sometimes I could not study properly because of these thoughts, but I kept studying anyway.
This time too, I worked even harder, putting everything aside.
The exam date arrived again.
My examination was the next day.
I was nervous this time, but my preparation was complete.
I gave the exam and felt that this time I would surely be selected.
Before the result was announced, I had gone home.
People kept asking,
“So, what happened this time?”
“Or are you still just a UPSC aspirant?”
Even my family said,
“Well, you won’t fail again this time, right?”
Listening to all this, I was breaking a little more every day.
Every relative, every person reminded me that I would fail.
After a few months, I returned to the hostel.
My result was to be announced in two days, and I was extremely restless.
My roommate had gone home for some work.
I was alone in the room with my pain.
I kept thinking —
What will happen this time?
Will I fail again?
Will I feel the same disappointment again?
Two days later, the result was declared.
Despite all my hard work, I missed it again by a few marks.
I could not clear UPSC this time either.
All the laughter, all the taunts, the dark corners of the room — everything came back to me.
There was only darkness left.
I started experiencing anxiety and depression.
My family’s expectations, people’s taunts, their laughing faces — everything surrounded me.
I felt like I was losing my mind.
I did not know what to do.
Whom to tell what I was going through?
I began having thoughts of ending my own life.
I stepped out of the room, thinking I might feel better.
But even outside, it felt as if everyone was staring at me, talking about me, laughing at my failure.
Thinking all this made me even more depressed.
My hands and feet turned cold.
I felt numb.
On my way back to the room, people asked,
“You were preparing for UPSC, right? So, did you clear it or not?”
These questions and expectations completely broke me from within.
And then—
“I ended my life.”
But even after death, a person does not find peace.
People continued talking.
“Maybe he was into drugs.”
“He must not have worked hard.”
“If he couldn’t clear it, he gave up.”
“Maybe it was a love affair.”
No one thought about how broken he must have been.
No one cared about a life lost.
People only knew how to mock someone’s life.
Vansh (with tears in his eyes):
“I understand, brother. I am also an aspirant. But what you went through — maybe no one can truly understand. Compared to your suffering, everything else feels small. The worst pain is when your own people fail to understand you.”
Mehul:
“Yes. Because of society, I could not achieve what I was capable of. My dreams remained just dreams. That is why I hate this double-faced society.”
Vansh:
“I’m sorry, brother, but is this right? Will harming others bring your life back? What if another Mehul, who came from a small home with big dreams, was destroyed not because of society, but because of you? Did you ever think about the fault of those you hurt? As much as they were wrong, you were also responsible.”
Mehul:
“Vansh, your words have shaken me deeply. I realize my mistake — because of me, many lives were lost. But what was my fault in my own death?”
Vansh:
“Brother, your mistake was that you never tried to explain yourself. You never told your family what you were going through. You kept everything inside. Maybe if you had spoken, they would have understood. This life was yours. You could have chosen to live it your way.”
Mehul:
“Yes, Vansh… you have opened my eyes today. Thank you for listening to me, for understanding me, and for guiding me.”
But Vansh still had one question in his heart.
Vansh (hesitantly):
“Brother, why did you spare me? Why did you tell me your entire story? Why didn’t you harm me like the others?”
Mehul:
“Because you were the first one who asked about me… who tried to understand me.”
As he said this, Mehul slowly faded into the air in a golden light.
Mehul had finally found liberation.
It was 6 a.m.
The sun had risen.
The warden and 10–15 boys rushed upstairs, unlocked the door, and were relieved to see Vansh safe.
Vansh told them everything that had happened during the night.
They became emotional, but then they were happy — because Mehul had found peace.
They lifted Vansh in celebration.
He became a hero in the hostel.
A few months later, the 7th floor was renovated and reopened.
Students started living there again.
That morning felt different.
We must understand — studies or success are only a small part of life, not life itself.
Written by –
Yuvraj Singh Chouhan
