The Family Planning Programme of Facebook Friendship
(A Satirical Essay by Dr. Mukesh Aseemit)
Lately, I’ve been in deep emotional distress — there are a few friend requests lying pending in my list that I simply can’t accept. It feels as if I’m the lone rejected groom left standing in the great “swayamvar” of friendship — a classic “one pomegranate and a hundred sick people” situation — while all the other Arjunas have already fired their arrows into Facebook’s server.
Frankly, watching this spectacle reminds me of Ghalib’s sigh — “For comforting the heart, this thought isn’t half bad.” But the marketplace of friendship today looks like a Black Friday Sale of Emotions, and I, a humble sailor in this ocean of social bonding, stand at the edge watching whirlpools form — until, suddenly, Facebook’s invisible wall flashes on the screen:
“Friend Limit Reached — No More Love Connections!”
Facebook, it seems, now sells friendship like a new smartphone version — “Now with safer side effects, anti-tagging mode, and ghost-friend filter!” Maybe Zuckerberg took inspiration from our government policies — after all, Facebook too has launched its Family Planning Programme:
“You cannot have more than 5,000 friends.”
Now, seriously — since when did friendship become a population control campaign? I can almost hear Zuckerberg announcing in a tech seminar:
“Overpopulation is not only in countries but also in friend lists!”
In the good old days, we accepted friendship with eyes closed — without caring for race, religion, gender, age, or geography. Whoever crossed our virtual path, we simply clicked “Add Friend.” But the tragedy unfolded when one day I received a friend request from a respected person — and couldn’t accept it! They must have thought I was ignoring them. How do I explain that my heart is willing but the algorithm is weak? I, too, seek connection — and as the poets say, “Even God is found if you truly search for Him.”
To me, Facebook’s friendship limit feels like a “Monogamy Act for Emotions.” Friendship is of the heart — how can it be measured in numbers? My name, after all, is Aseemit — “Unlimited” by nature and spirit!
Now whenever a request arrives, my heart leaps — but Facebook says, “Error 5K Reached!” The heart is still young, but Facebook has clearly grown old.
And truth be told, Facebook friendship has lost its innocence. “Friend request” no longer means friendship — it’s “friendship with benefits.” One person wants medical consultation, another seeks a discount on treatment, another sends his stale poetry, and someone else just wants access to the female segment of my friend list — those pearl-diving swans of Facebook! And some just want to boast in society:
“That doctor? Oh yes, he’s my friend — imagine, such a big man, yet friends with me!”
Friendship has now become a status accessory, like saying, “I don’t own a car, but I know someone who does.”
Then there are those who befriend you just to peek into your personal life — “Look, even the doctor eats ice cream; I thought he was an alien!” Some conduct “recognition surveys” in your selfies — analyzing who’s smiling with whom.
And now, the new Facebook mantra says: “Don’t make friends, make followers.” Love itself has gone one-sided. Gone are the days of mutual camaraderie — now one speaks and a thousand listen, and if you say something wrong, the same thousand “unfollow” you like a moral mob.
So here’s my humble request to Mr. Zuckerberg — please introduce a system like Indian Railways: if someone can’t be added due to the 5K limit, put them in “RAC — Reservation Against Cancellation.” The moment a seat gets free, they get auto-allotted!
In fact, there’s even a business model here — “Premium Friend Request,” “Urgent Add,” “Tatkal Friendship.” Charge extra for priority friendship! Hire Friendship Managers like ticket inspectors — “employment generation via socialization.” And we Indians, with our legendary jugaad, will still find a way to get in!
Oh, and good news — I’m currently conducting a Friend List Clean-up Drive, much like the Election Commission revising its voter list. Clearing out a few lazy, silent onlookers who have been just “seen-zoning” me for years.
“We have surely lost something — that’s why we keep shuffling everything around, searching for it.”
So have patience — as soon as space opens, your request shall be accepted. Anyway, most of my posts are public — you can peep in anytime.
Just remember —
I want friends, not followers.
Everything else is fine — I’m just waiting for Facebook’s server to grow a heart again,
so that my life shows not “Pending Friend Requests,” but “New Friendships.”
— Dr. Mukesh Aseemit (Dr. Mukesh Garg)
📧 drmukeshaseemit@gmail.com
