The soulmate
The mobile rang, and Neelamani quickly picked it up. She glanced at the screen—Ah, it was Tiwari Ji’s call. Without hesitation, she put the phone to her ear and began speaking, sharing every thought, every detail. There was hardly anything she hadn’t discussed with Tiwari Ji—society, literature, politics, economic thoughts, the current state of the youth, gender relations, and even intimate matters. She didn’t believe in any topic being off-limits. Her philosophy was simple—if something exists in this world, why should it be considered forbidden?
Her relationship with Tiwari Ji could almost be called virtual, for they had never met in person. It all started with a friend request from Tiwari Ji on Facebook. When she looked at his profile, she found that he had an impressive literary stature—awards, recognition, and he was an author, poet, and thinker. His friend list was long and extensive. Talking to him felt natural, carefree, as if age didn’t matter. Interestingly, his friend list had more younger women and men than people of his own age.
At times, Neelamani would wonder what had led to her being named "Neelamani." Perhaps it was because of her dusky complexion. But even if her skin was darker, her sharp features and striking face had an undeniable charm—one that drew anyone in. Maybe that's why she was called Neelamani.
In Tiwari Ji, she found not just an intellectual companion, but a pillar of support. His presence, though virtual, had become a constant in her life. And in every conversation with him, she found not just ideas, but the strength to continue her own journey.
Neelamani lived in a full household—her in-laws, two children, a brother-in-law, his wife, and their two children, along with her husband. She herself worked in a prominent position in the government service, and even her husband had secured a good job after their marriage. They had been married for eighteen years, with a seventeen-year-old son and a fifteen-year-old younger one. Despite having so much, Neelamani could never find true happiness.
She was a wonderful wife, mother, and daughter-in-law—always eager to serve her family. She took care of everyone’s needs, worked diligently in her government job, and still managed to wake up early every morning, just like every other day, to go back to work after completing her chores. She was an educated and intellectual woman, with a passion for reading, writing, and engaging in discussions on various topics. Her thirst for knowledge pushed her deeper into the intricacies of every subject she explored.
She had successfully managed to be both a skilled homemaker and an accomplished officer, a feat she had achieved due to her talents and dedication. Yet, deep inside, there was always a sense of emptiness, an unshakable feeling of something missing. She couldn’t understand what that void was. It was as though she knew there was something lacking, but she just couldn’t pinpoint what it was.
From a young age, Neelamani had always been passionate about dreaming and turning those dreams into reality. Even now, she pursued the same zeal. Perhaps it was this very drive that had propelled her to surpass her husband in many ways. No husband would want his wife to outshine him in terms of knowledge or wealth—men’s egos are fragile. Yet, Neelamani, steadfast in her own rhythm, had risen to a stature in the literary world much larger than her husband's. In government service, too, she was in a higher position than him.
Despite everything, there remained an emptiness within her—a sense of incompleteness that she couldn't quite understand. It was like a thirst, an elusive search for something unattainable, though she couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was. There was always a yearning for something more, something beyond reach.
Today, she received a call from Suryakiran Ji, and he seemed to be in a rather romantic mood. He spoke in ways that crossed boundaries, saying things he perhaps shouldn’t have due to the age difference between them—over twenty-five years. While Neelamani had always enjoyed their conversations, today something about his tone felt off. She didn’t like the way he spoke to her in such a romantic manner.
Though Suryakiran Ji and Tiwari Ji were around the same age, the difference in their behaviour was like night and day. Neelamani had always been open with Tiwari Ji, but he had never crossed any lines. However, Suryakiran Ji had crossed that line today, leaving her uncomfortable with his approach.
One of the things about Neelamani was that she always shared everything with Animesh—her arguments with her husband, the conversations with Tiwari Ji, and even the talk with Suryakiran Ji. Animesh, yes, he was the one whom Neelamani considered her closest friend after her husband. Their meeting had been the result of that same unspoken search for something elusive. One day, completely unexpectedly, she met Animesh, and from the very beginning, he had the same free-spirited personality that intrigued her. Though Animesh was two years younger than Neelamani, he had a certain charm to him.
It’s often said that most writers are either carefree or frustrated. What Neelamani couldn’t figure out was whether Animesh was frustrated or carefree. But what she did know was that he was fascinating—his way of speaking, his style, it was different from anyone else. Neelamani couldn’t help but feel a sense of RK in his words and mannerisms. Yes, RK. Neelamani had always affectionately called him RK. They had studied together, grown up together, shared youthful dreams, fallen in love, and then drifted apart to marry other people. Their bond remained unfulfilled, leaving a lasting emptiness in Neelamani’s life.
It was this void that Neelamani had been trying to fill all her life. And whenever she encountered someone who reminded her even slightly of RK—whether in their way of speaking or their tone—she couldn’t help but feel drawn to them. However, it was true that until now, Animesh was the only person who had carried RK’s likely essence. So, in a way, Animesh had become the person for whom Neelamani’s heart now beat, right after RK.
Today, Neelamani was anxiously waiting for Animesh's call, eager to share with him what had happened during her conversation with Suryakiran Ji. In fact, she had been a bit upset. Suryakiran Ji, who was about twenty-five to thirty years older than her and had a towering presence in the literary world, had said something that completely dampened her mood today. Though Neelamani’s carefree laughter and vibrant personality naturally attracted many men, she had never expected Suryakiran Ji to cross such boundaries. This time, he had gone too far, and she couldn’t contain her frustration.
As soon as she got Animesh on the phone, she blurted out:
"Listen, Anni, I... I really don’t understand why men's thoughts always seem to shrink down to the female body. Suryakiran Ji, who is at least thirty years older than me and whom I have always respected, today... today he proposed something to me—something intimate. I’ve spent years with RK, but he never once even touched me. I’m with you too, but you... you have never..."
Her voice trailed off, her words hanging in the air, as the realisation of the situation hit her. It was as though, despite all the respect, love, and intellectual connection, the boundaries of what people expected from her as a woman were always defined in the most physical terms.
"Look at your age! Your feet are almost in the grave, and you still want to romance me... you old grumpy man!" Neelamani exclaimed, venting her frustration.
"Neelu, come on, don’t abuse, dear. It doesn’t sound good coming from your mouth," Animesh replied, trying to calm her down.
"Fine. But tell me, what happened with that research paper? Weren’t you writing about some poet?" Animesh asked, switching the topic.
"Yeah, I was planning to start it today, but what can I say... this whole situation just ruined my mind," Neelamani replied, still upset.
"Forget about it now, dear. Tell me, what happened with the editor of Pankhuri who came to meet you? Remember him?" Animesh asked.
"Yes, I remember him, but what about it?" Neelamani replied, her mind distracted.
"Listen, today he accepted my friend request on FB. And then, what do you think I did? I vented all my frustration from that day on him," she said, her tone lightening up.
"Now, he’s going crazy over me. Looks like he’s another Suryakiran," she added, with a smirk.
"Neelu, don’t mess with things like that. What was the need to talk to him?" Animesh cautioned.
"Alright, leave it. Let’s not discuss this anymore. And don’t keep that conversation on FB. Delete it," Animesh warned. "If your husband sees it, you’ll be in real trouble, dear."
Neelamani’s expression shifted from frustration to a mix of amusement and concern, realising the complexities of her actions and the possible consequences.
"Yes, sir," Neelamani replied with a mischievous tone, hanging up the phone and getting back to work. She had barely started when the phone rang again. It was Tiwari Ji. As usual, he called at least once or twice a day, but today, Neelamani was upset, so she chose not to pick up his call. However, just a little while later, the phone rang again, and this time, she decided to answer it.
The conversation started, and though she hadn’t intended to, Neelamani found herself mentioning her conversation with Suryakiran Ji. Tiwari Ji listened patiently, and then, with a calm yet concerned voice, he spoke:
"Listen, Neelamani, this is the nature of men. Whenever a woman is a little cheerful, or carefree, or even a bit bold, men tend to take it as an open invitation. And that’s when things start to go wrong. The same thing has happened with that Suryakiran. I know him, he’s a notorious womanizer, a real scoundrel. He never learns from his habits. I know his nature."
"Do you know him personally?" Neelamani asked, a bit surprised by the intensity in Tiwari Ji's voice.
"Yes, I know him," Tiwari Ji replied, dismissing her concern. "Anyway, forget about him. Tell me, what was the name of that friend of yours? You were mentioning him earlier."
"Oh yes, Animesh," Neelamani recalled. "I was talking about one of his books."
Neelamani thought to herself as she reflected on the vast differences between Tiwari Ji, Suryakiran, and Animesh. All three were men, but each had a completely different vibe and approach. She couldn’t help but wonder about the contrasting personalities, their words, and their intentions. Lost in her thoughts, she eventually drifted off to sleep.
The sharp ring of the doorbell abruptly woke her up, and she realized with surprise that it was already 6 PM. She got up and opened the door, finding the maid there to clean the dishes. After the maid left, Neelamani felt a slight heaviness in her head, so she decided to make some tea. Lost in her thoughts, she absentmindedly put tea leaves twice, making the tea extremely strong.
As she sipped on the bitter tea, she was suddenly jolted by the loud shouting of her younger son. Reluctantly, she stood up and walked toward his room. Upon entering, she found that he had completely scattered the room. "Why are you messing with my things? I’ve told you fifty times not to touch them!" he yelled at her.
Neelamani stood frozen, taken aback by the intensity of his outburst. He was just in ninth grade, and yet, this kind of behaviour was completely unexpected. She thought about how he behaved so differently when his father was around. When his father was at home, he was calm and disciplined, but once his father was gone, he seemed to turn into a completely different person.
Her son’s yelling hadn’t subsided, and in frustration, Neelamani snapped, "What kind of manners are these? You’ve completely trashed the room!"
"I've told you before, don't touch my room again. That's it. "His stern tone was something she had never anticipated from someone so young. But today, his words shook her to the core. Neelmani sat in silence, grappling with the situation. She thought, only his father can handle this boy now.
At a loss, she picked up her phone and dialled Animesh. Her frustration only deepened when the call went unanswered. She tried again, but this time, the phone was switched off. The sense of helplessness gnawed at her as a familiar fear crept in—Is R.K. slipping away from me again?
In her mind, Animesh had become a stand-in for R.K. She saw him not just as himself but as someone who could fill the void left by R.K. This realisation made her even more agitated. No, I won’t let this happen again. R.K. cannot leave me this time.
Her frustration bubbled over. Unable to contain it, she lashed out, landing three or four slaps to the boy, her actions driven more by her inner turmoil than his disobedience.
The next morning, around 11 o'clock, Animesh's call finally came through. Neelmani debated whether to answer. A part of her wanted to ignore it, but an inexplicable urge compelled her to pick up.
"Hello," she said quietly, her voice betraying her lingering agitation.
"Hi, Neelu. What happened yesterday? You know I can't take your calls at home, right?"
"My wife would ask fifty questions, dear?"
"Then just go! Who asked you to talk to me? Go there, talk to her!" And with that, she abruptly ended the call.
On the other side, Animesh sat staring at his phone, thinking, why doesn’t she try to understand that I, too, have a family and responsibilities toward them?
Meanwhile, Neelmani was lost in her own thoughts:
"There’s a vast difference between someone being like RK and someone actually being RK. If RK were with me today, then..."
Animesh, already weighed down by the pressures of his office work, found Neelmani’s behaviour adding to his frustration. But there was little he could do about it.
He thought to himself, RK is her past—a part of her she carries with her always. RK is her inner strength... If RK is her strength, then what am I to her?
He tried to reason it out. "Maybe I am her present, her support system in the here and now." "If that’s the case, then what am I, her husband, in her life? What am I truly to her?"
A sudden thought struck him: "I am her reality..."
So, this means that RK is still her inner strength, I am her support in the present, and her husband is her reality.
Yes, exactly that. And reality always remains reality. Inner strength or present support both reside somewhere deep within the heart, never confronting reality directly.
Animesh was lost in these thoughts when suddenly, his phone rang. It was his wife, sounding distressed—her health had taken a sudden turn for the worse. Without wasting a moment, Animesh set off for home.
The truth was, Animesh deeply loved his wife and his family. He was a caring husband, a devoted father, and a thoughtful person.
Upon reaching home, he quickly gave his wife her medicine, helped her lie down, and sat by her side, gently cradling her head in his lap. At that moment, his thoughts were no longer occupied with Neelmani. His wife was all he could think about—she was in his thoughts, in his worries, and right there before him.
Meanwhile, Neelmani sat lost in her own thoughts. Why am I losing my mind over Animesh? He has a full family, a home, responsibilities toward them. Then why do I expect so much from him? What’s wrong with me?
Caught in this emotional turmoil, she dialled Animesh again, but there was no reply. Frustrated and confused, she stayed home that day, skipping work. At some point, exhaustion overtook her, and she fell asleep.
Hours later, the ringing of her phone woke her up. It was Animesh calling.
“Hello?” she answered.
“What are you doing, Neelu?” he asked.
“Nothing... just fell asleep for a bit,” she replied.
“Hmm,” he paused.
“What happened? Tell me, Ani, say something,” she urged.
“What should I say? You don’t want to understand. And when I do try to explain, you just end up arguing with me,” he said, his tone tired.
“No, not this time. Please say what you want to. I promise, I won’t argue,” she said softly.
He sighed before speaking. “Neelu... you know RK is your inner strength. But the moment you see a glimpse of him in someone, you lose yourself chasing that shadow.”
“Don’t let your strength become your weakness,” he added, his voice firm yet gentle.
“And all of this is happening because you are searching for something unattainable. That search has led you from me to Tiwari ji and even to Suryakiran. Maybe I resemble RK the most, which is why, after your husband, you trust me more than anyone else. That’s why I’ve become your present support. But there’s something you need to understand, Neelu…”
“Say it! Why did you stop?” she interrupted, eager but tense.
“I’m just worried you might misunderstand me again,” he hesitated.
“Oh, so you think I’m always misunderstanding you?” she retorted.
“See? Even now, you’re speaking so angrily,” he pointed out.
“Oh, sorry,” she softened her tone. “But just say it directly this time, please.”
“Why are you scolding me, dear?” he teased lightly.
“Alright, fine! Now say it,” she urged.
“Hmm… I was saying that your search for the unattainable…”
“There you go again!” she snapped. “It’s not a search, and it’s definitely not me being lost.”
“Oh, just listen!” he tried to explain.
“But it’s not me being lost!” she insisted.
“When did I say you were lost?” he countered.
“You did say search though, didn’t you? Let me make it clear—I’m not searching for anything or anyone. Got it?”
“Understood, ma’am,” he replied with a resigned chuckle. “That... trying to explain things to you is beyond me.”
“Look, everything we do is ultimately for our family and children, isn’t it?”
“That’s true,” Neelmani replied softly.
“Then just try to understand now.”
“But…”
“No if and buts anymore. Okay?”
“Hmm…”
With that, Animesh ended the call and got back to work. How much Neelmani understood from their conversation and how much she didn’t—he left that to time and the future.
However, the way Animesh abruptly ended the call left Neelmani feeling shattered inside. She felt as if her RK had slipped away from her again. Confusion and pain consumed her thoughts, but in the midst of it all, she made a decision.
For the first time in years, she picked up her phone and dialled RK’s number.
The moment RK answered, she began to speak, her voice trembling with emotion.
“Listen, don’t hang up, please. I know you have a wife; you have kids. But... I’m still incomplete without you—completely incomplete. So, please, just hear me out.
I’ve never forgotten you, not even once, all these years. I tried—oh, how I tried to forget you—but the harder I tried, the more I remembered you.”
“I tried to focus on my husband and children, to find peace in my family life. But your memories always came in between,” Neelmani confessed, her voice breaking. “Today, I feel completely shattered. Please, just hold me together.”
“Look, everything will be fine,” RK reassured her gently. “I’ve never been able to forget you either. It was your insistence that I shouldn’t call you, so I didn’t. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t think about you or miss you.”
For a long time, they spoke. They talked about their joys and sorrows, the love they shared, and the times they had left behind. Memories flooded back, and in that conversation, Neelmani felt a strange sense of relief.
As she put the phone down, she realized that the weight she had been carrying for so long was gone. She smiled faintly to herself and thought, when was I ever truly separate from RK? He has always been a part of me. Without reason, I’ve been chasing after shadows of his image. There really is a vast difference between truth, an image, and reality.
RK resides in my every breath, inseparable from me. But it is also true that Animesh is my support, my anchor in the present.
In that moment of clarity, she made a decision.
I will live with my reality, with my present, with my hubby. I don’t need any other support. Just this—only this is enough for me now. My RK will be in my soul and will be showing light to me always rather. He is my soulmate.
Bottom of Form
