Hot Exhale
It was a stormy night with heavy rains. I once again stepped into the corridor and looked around. Water was flowing near the gate. There was not a soul to be seen anywhere. Rain water could be seen falling like a fall near the lamp post. A big sound of lightning with eye blinding bright light deafened my ears and momentarily blinded my eyes. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Did I hear a soft knock at the door? I turned back....
I confirmed again. It was indeed a knock at the door. I came downstairs and gently opened the door. There stood before me a young man. Maybe around 35 years. Drenched from head to toes, water still dropping from his face, his eyebrows, his pants, shirt, entire body. His hair was wet. He said “Sorry madam to knock the door so late, I got trapped in flowing waters on the road, could come out of water having accelerated at full throttle but after coming on a clean road the bike stopped mid way. I saw the only light glowing inside this house, so ask your permission to keep the bike till next morning“
I thought for a moment. I am a young lady of 30, alone in the house. I was about to tell him to keep the bike in my compound and go but the rain started again heavily. A drizzle like a fully on shower bath tape made me also wet. As he said, roads were under water. It was very late at night. Feeling mercy on the soul, I changed my mind. “Oh, sure. Do keep the bike but where and how will you go on such a thunderous rainy night? Better do come inside and wait for the rain to stop.” He was standing on the porch. He looked inside the house, hesitated. I said, “Please come in. Rain breezes are strong and the door will slam soon.”
He came in. The entry passage became wet with a small pool of water dripping from his body. He took out a handkerchief. It seemed he had no raincoat. He dropped the keys of the bike on a stool near the door.
“Are all other members sleeping? Sorry to disturb you all at this hour.” said he, bit hesitatingly, with an expression of repenting, of shyness.
I kept quiet. I said “ You have no raincoat? OK. I am giving you a towel to wipe your head. Let me give a T-shirt of mine to you. Do change.”
He gave a surprised look. “ your T-shirt? Any male in the house?” I said I am staying alone at present. But he need not worry. I gave him my T-shirt.
“Where to change? Can you show me the place?” said he.
I said “The toilet is in the upper room. But change here so the water can dry in the passage itself.“
He turned back, changed his T shirt and wore mine. I had a brief glance at his shapy back and soon turned my eyes. But it slightly pinched me from inside.Bit fit but it showed his male chest and wrist muscles. Not a wrestler but good ones.
I said “ I am throwing a thin lungi like sheet lying in the adjacent room.. Roll over your waist and dry clothes here in the passage with the fan fully on.”
I gave him. He again turned and tied with a visible hesitation.
I asked him to sit on the sofa in the adjoining drawing room. He settled. I did not feel sleepy. When the door was knocked twice, I was reading a book for my student girls. I settled near a sofa chair.
“what are you doing?” he asked.
“I am a teacher in a girls’ school.“
Most of my time is spent in the company of ladies- fellow teachers all female, student girls and at home, women in the neighbourhood.
“What are your family members doing?” he asked.
“My father is working at a rural place in another state. I am alone here.” I said.
“Don't you feel lonely?“ he asked.
“No. father said how a girl can live alone in a big house. I said I am doing a decent job and nobody is going to eat me. So I am alone.”
He did not ask further.
After a long time I am in the company of a man and all alone. It is a strange feeling now.
Something of fear, something sort of guilt of keeping a strange man at home late at night, some very strange , like attraction to a male specie. I tried to read but could not concentrate. I unconsciously made side glances at him busy in mobile, occasionally glancing at me. Rain had increased his speed pouring his wet affection on the earth. Both were busy wooing each other- rain thundering, earth responding by a tippering sound. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was a consultant at a project. He left his office around 10.30 but constant heavy rains and initial traffic jams made him reach to this place around midnight and his flat was on the outskirts still half an hour.
“What are you watching on the mobile?” I asked. He came nearer. He showed me pictures of rain online. I peeped into the mobile. His shoulders rubbing against those of mine. He turned towards me showing some scene, his hot breath touched my cheeks. Again a strange sensation. I sat a bit farther. Then he said the battery is low, he must switch off the mobile. He tried to get up and go but I said he could wait till the rains slow down. What was that feeling recurring like sea waves, coming and going within me? A very strange feeling.. I felt something new, some fast thumping of heart, a desire to be touched, to be attended to. We sat a bit apart.
Suddenly lights went off. He fumbled for his mobile. Said I should bring mine. It was lying on the upper floor when I came to open the door. Nothing was seen inside or outside. From not very near and yet not far came his voice to sit wherever we were. Everything was now extremely quiet. I felt I am alone with a man. Lest he should come near me.. Least he will do something.. Felt his footsteps but no. It was an illusion. I again felt he comes near me and catches me. Sometimes after a constant thought of something one feels as if it is actually happening. I moved my hands . Nothing nearby. I felt some fear, now a strange fear and slipped toward the sofa he was sitting. I leaned to his side. Again the fear that a strange man is with me, we are alone. He can do anything. No. he will not. But why did I increasingly feel that he is coming nearer to me? or should he come? In the darkness like perhaps it would be in a black hole, nothing but the dark, dark and dark, I strongly felt he came near. I could hear his breath, unconsciously craved for his warm exhale again touching my cheeks.
“Oh! Here he came, here he catches me by shoulder.. Then.. What will he do to me? I am all alone. Yes. It is him touching me. No. it is my own clothes. Where is he? How much time?” something inside me was shivering. Why did I feel this? I have been staying alone for a long time. It is one thing I seldom have - any interaction with a male due to my job and living. My feelings started mounting like the sound of the rains outside. Again a flashlight on my mobile. He says the battery is very low but the latest news of rain he wants to see on the data package. I did not want to but still went to him . ”May I see the scenes in our city? What is total rainfall?” I went near the mobile screen, again feeling his cool hands which were drenched in rain but a warm touch of male hands, hair on the wrist, his shoulders touching me did arouse a different sensation in me. Again I felt the hot exhale slightly touching my cheeks from a distance. I must stop myself.
I said to change my thought flow “ would you like to take some hot coffee?”
He said “No thanks. The rains will not stop. As far as the bike is concerned, the mechanic will take in the morning. Let me leave as I came.“
I said “It will be fine to have a cup of coffee at 3 am. It is called Devil’s time. No one ventures outside in such weather. Now wait till the dawn breaks. I am not feeling sleepy so I will get a company. Besides it is very cool. If we share something, will give warmth to both of us.”
Lights were still out. He said “ On one hand being a guest, on the other giving you trouble! Please allow me to prepare coffee.You may bring your mobile or something to pass three hours.”
In complete blackout where one could not feel one’s own self, I asked him to follow me to the kitchen with his flash on. He came. I looked at the stairs to the upper floor. I showed him the way to the kitchen and tried to go up.On the third or fourth step my feet slipped in my gown and I fell.. Would have been a bigger injury had he not rushed with long strides and caught me from falling. But my ankles hurt with pain. So was something burning inside me, a flickering sensation all over me. I shivered for the twinkling of an eye. I sat there only telling him the place of the kitchen platform, gas, lighter, jars all on the platform itself. After all, one was staying alone in the house.He went into the kitchen and prepared coffee in a mobile flash, brought a cup for me and for him. He gave me a hand, I could barely walk. He had caught me in arms, now he held my shoulders and a hand supporting my waist. I leaned on him. Feeling the warmth of a male seemed better. I lied on the sofa. He caught the fingers of my feet, pulled, pressed and stretched my calf muscles. He rubbed his strong hand on my feet up to my knees. From beneath my gown his hand stretched and touched my thighs. I felt better and better. Somehow the unsaturated desire for his touch in dark was suddenly fulfilled by these accidental touches. I lied on the sofa. Now the battery of his mobile was off. He sat very nearer to me.
I said to myself “Just as in a snake bite the bitten is asked to remain awake, I must remain awake against any undesirable sensation. I must lift myself from any mental fall.”
On my inquiry I came to know he is unmarried but has a girlfriend staying at a town not very far and they often meet on weekends. He said she is good but I am good looking and good natured. I felt flattered and elated,.
Now it is 4 am. I said “Devil’s time is over. Thank god, rains are also slow now.”
He said, “ No, it is not the devil's time. It is what rishis call brahma muhurta now. Time to awaken peace within yourself.”
Lights were still out. I just kept hand on his palm. Now my feet were ok. Not much pain was there.
It was 5.30 am. He thanked me for the night shelter, “ashray”. He asked my help in lifting the bike. I just caught it from behind, he raised it. Water drained out from the silencer. With that, draining out my those strange thoughts craving for a man too. He kicked the bike and with some efforts it started. He said thanks. I said I need to go to the milk booth nearby so better I sit behind him for a short distance. I sat keeping my hand on his shoulder. I liked the touch of it. The bike was parked near the milk booth .
I said “we are no more strangers but friends. Friends forever. But let me ask you frankly.. Did you not have any so-called wrong thoughts, any strange sexual like feelings in the company of a lonely lady at night?”
He said He had at times but as he learnt in Yoga classes “Inhale, feel cool and let good thoughts in. Exhale hot and feel any bad thoughts out. What is unethical to do on one’s part in any given circumstances is a bad act and thought of it is a bad thought. It must go out with every exhale. With his girlfriend also he tries more mental nearness than physical.
So I inhaled the morning cool breath. By that time he mounted the bike and kicked it. His last one hot exhale touched me- into my within.
-Sunil Anjaria
